Saturday, August 14, 2021

1921 and a Facsimile of the Roaring Twenties

 I spent today in 1921 and considerably enjoyed it.

After grocery shopping and while waiting for Ge. to return from his second vaccination, I baked a Sacher torte, dressed in a purple tunic with my hair in a low sideswept bun (feeling daring and brash if only in comparison to my everyday wear).

I detest The Great Gatsby and didn't think I was a big fan of 1920s aesthetics. But in the context of my experiment, it feels a lot better than the First World War and I actually like the vibrant colours, the freedom for women, and the general comparative lack of people dying. Trying to resurrect something of the careful aesthetics and cultural references of the David Suchet Poirot series that I grew up with does have great charm, too, minus the murders.

(Although there was a lot going on that was terrible. From a labour standpoint, considering also that wages were being lowered massively in the US and UK because the demobilization of soldiers made the pool of workers plentiful and cheap again, it wasn't that great. And 1921 was the year of the brutal Tulsa race massacre, for example. It's really maddening to see how amidst some progress, the seeds of World War II, Nazism and the rule of Stalin were already being steadily sown, and the Ku Klux Klan era of racist violence still throve in the US as well as in Canada and elsewhere.)

To descend to trivialities: For breakfast we had the following menu, adapted from an American menu and served on some of our fanciest plates.

Grapefruit
Bread rolls
Croissants (anachronism)
Pastry with tropical fruit filling (anachronism)
Bacon
Coffee
Hot cocoa

T. visited us for breakfast, and we exchanged friendly insults over the meal, as always.

To rest after breakfast, I played one and a half or so of Brahms's Hungarian Dances arranged for the piano, as well as a few Strauss waltzes, and tried but failed to find Saint-Saëns scores (he died in December 1921) aside from the French horn concerto that Mama has played from. Since I'm still recovering/grumpy from the last attempt to sightread part of Beethovens's Hammerklaviersonata, which is admittedly a 'First-World'-y problem to have, the lovely dark powder-blue edition of Beethoven's later sonatas seemed to look at me reproachfully — in vain; I refused to play more. Besides I sewed: mending part of a pillowcase.

*

To ramble about my culinary mishaps: Although the Sacher torte was burned at the edges, using beaten egg whites as the only leavening agent in a cake generally is not my preferred course of action compared to the reliable lift of baking soda, and beating 10 egg whites by hand after fishing out drips of egg yolk made me perform a few metaphorical Munch screams in my imagination, it turned out surprisingly well.

That said, even the topping made me sweat: the sugar syrup in the chocolate topping also crystallized while I cooked it. But pouring in a little milk and letting the chocolate-sugar rock formation dissolve, then stirring it until it reached a smoother texture and smashing the leftover lumps, turned it into more of what Bob Ross calls a 'happy little accident.'

By fortuitous accident, the Mediterranean cookbook that I recently bought for myself has an apricot jam recipe that, recast as an Austrian 'Marillenmarmelade,' was exactly what was needed for the torte.

It seems to me that I need to make as many summer recipes as I can — the emergence of the first oval purple plums (Zwetschgen) in the stores has made me feel that, like Hannibal with his elephants crossing the Alps toward Rome, autumn too is before the gates.

*

Lunch:

Fish cakes
Bread roll
French breakfast tea
Sachertorte

Because Prohibition was in force in 1921, and the cookbook is American, wine and liqueur pairings are conspicuously absent. We made do with the coffee, cocoa and tea instead.

We are so unused to eating as much as rich people did in the early 20th century that, to be honest, I still feel like I swallowed a cannon ball after the lunch. And none of us could face the thought of dinner.

After playing Galuppi on the harpsichord (probably anachronistic, as I think that the popularity of harpsichords was revived by Wanda Landowska a decade or two later), reading more of Bertrand Russell's autobiography to get an idea of the late years of World War I and the early post-war period, and playing more Strauss waltzes on the piano, etc., I finally gave in and set off on a bicycle expedition to Tempelhof Airfield.

It felt like I should have gone to play tennis or badminton, but the siblings were intent on doing something cozy indoors and were therefore not available as partners; and due to my not having the second vaccine I'm still not too keen on going to see an art exhibition (preferably Dadaist) or a film, which feel like very 1920s things to do.

It was already getting darker, although it was only around 7:30 p.m. I liked seeing my very long shadow in front of me. The sky was still very blue and a few puffy clouds ranged on it; the trees are still very green; and it was so nice seeing lots of people out and about.

On Tempelhofer Feld, an electric car racing track had been set up behind a chainlink fence and concealing posters. The circus set up by refugees was alive with children and music, instead of empty and sad as it is in winter. An outdoor roller skate disco — the first I've seen — was well visited, mostly by onlookers as well as skaters who seemed more focused on staying vertical than on dancing. I liked the 80s beat of the track they were tottering around to.

The thick smoke of family barbecues (always amazingly intense) rose like woodsman's campfires in the foggy early morning hours, or like steam from a 19th century boat's smokestacks, from the grass elsewhere in the park.

The sluggish lift of the few kites that people were ambitiously trying to fly was also peaceful and dozy.

*

The atmosphere reminded me of Richmond, Vancouver, near the international airport, on a lazy summer's day as we returned from or started on a journey: the endless freedom and the feeling of the grass and the sea and lots of homes and forests beyond, as the golden sun poured over everything. Also, the ocean near our grandfather's place on Vancouver Island in the evening, when everything was in its place: the people on the shore, the birds in their nests or twittering a last farewell to the day, the ships in the harbour, Opapa in his condominium with his fluffy slippers on his feet and listening to classical music, and the sea creatures like the crabs scuttling or resting beneath the sea. I was really happy to feel this feeling again.

It confirmed the sense I've had in the past months that I want to visit the familiar places in Canada again. (Even if one of my favourite things about Richmond — the endless chain of rusty-red CN freight trains passing under the highway along old-fashioned railroad tracks that reached from one end of the horizon across to the other — has vanished since we left Canada in 2006, replaced by another highway.) Now that I've saved more earnings than I had in 2018, I feel less nervous about travelling from a financial perspective, and I figure I can offset the CO2 emissions from my travel too.

*

Returning to Tempelhof Airfield, cycling is of course rather quicker and a lot more fun than walking in such a vast expanse of asphalt. Especially since I tend to go with my brothers — who are more long-legged and also more ambitious than I am, and enjoy going on long circuits around the park, while I try not to whine or feel sorry for myself and in the end do enjoy it in a mildly footsore sort of way. It is lovely that I have my own bicycle now; and I felt like the monarch of all I surveyed, the lord of the scene and the route.

Monday, August 09, 2021

A Battle of Capital Against Idealism

Lately I haven't been inclined to diarize much. Probably many people know the mood where either examining one's own feelings or thoughts feels like opening a scab that should heal; or the only thing that could come out is a poison that would be boring and fruitless for others to read.

Generally I'd say there's not much to complain about.

But I've settled down to a rather self-centered and likely unfulfilled material life. While what I say or do is mostly reasonably conscientious, it is somewhat 'going through the motions'. The true source of kindness (the 'charity' of the Corinthians) i.e. the wellspring of happiness and willingness to share it with others, is drying up a little.

For work I am also conflicted specifically. A few things are great. But I've also begun to feel that whatever tools I have in terms of talent, thought, and dedication, are beginning to be used to the wrong ends at work. Ever since the confusion surrounding the short-term work contracts for my team, I've also never entirely stopped feeling bitter and disillusioned. It isn't intentional, but it is just the result of something that I guess in biblical terms would be called the 'iron entering my soul.'

If I still felt that the wellbeing of my colleagues and me were the most important thing in the company, and seen as such by everyone, it wouldn't be so hard. But now it seems to me that whatever the project of the moment happens to be, is seen as more important. Since it's not a large-scale life-saving operation or a grand scheme to improve the future of the world, I find that morally degrading and logically disproportionate.

That isn't meant to 'knock' the company I work at, because there is a lot to admire.

But I'll have to bring up the goody-two-shoes quotation from George Eliot's Middlemarch: "Souls have complexions too: what will suit one will not suit another." I am not my colleagues and I do have my own thresholds and measurements. I was able to work even beyond my strength for five years because it went toward what I feel is a good aim. But I've hit a few lows since then because I've begun to feel doubt: I was downcast for example on my 5-year anniversary: getting celebratory messages just as I felt that work was making me so unhappy I might need to leave it but I don't know where to go, was pretty painful. I need to figure out the moral problem — what good can I still do? what good am I giving up by still being in the company? — or instead just understand if my reasoning is being misled by burnout.

I want us to incrementally work toward things that are good for the human and natural environment, but I also want us to be very truthful about the obstacles that impede us, how many benefits there will truly be, and the fact that we might not be all that important — nor do we have to be.

And, to be honest, I'm enough of a socialist(?) to also just value a living wage for my colleagues and me. Even more, for the sake of my family, and for the sake of the industries and organizations and individuals whom I'm now able to help finance thanks to the wage. A bonus is that it's enough of an income to also do job training or learn things, and that it comes with affordable health care. I think these are the building blocks of human dignity and everything that contributes to quality of life. But the added sum beyond that seems like a buffer that will help with expensive end-of-life care (or, optimistically speaking, university tuition — but only for others, since I am thankful every day I am no longer in academia) for others or for me in future, but not really something I need right now.

This broader ecological goal and the simple fact of seeing people being paid fairly for the services they offer, not 'raising x metric by 30% by quarter y,' is to me a worthy Platonic ideal.

And I still like the basic integrity of the simplest fiscal transaction: a client offers money that is proportionate for a service you can provide with integrity and ethics, and you do your best to earn it.

If that motivation fails, I don't want to explode or really begin to distrust people as Papa did when one of his workplaces went sour. But I'm just wondering how far to go down that road before I bail out.

In between I'm quite happy, but in the 'down' moods... Being unemployed in my twenties was awful — I felt so uncomfortable about meeting anyone outside my own household when I wasn't able to answer the question 'what do you do?' that I really despaired — so that I can barely face the thought of being between jobs again.

I also have to consider my work team and that is, alongside my mental health (although, again, it's a little hard to balance one misery against another), a strong argument for staying. — Not because the teammates can't do without me, but because I've pledged them a service and can only in fairness withdraw it when they no longer find me that useful. And I've had enough valuable relationships to appreciate thoroughly Cordelia's analogy in King Lear: some people in your life are like salt — life is livable (if we ignore for the moment the necessity of sodium for the functioning of the nervous system) without them... but it is never the same and you feel the difference daily. And in the end I just feel that I am going to stick it out, but — again — I need to figure out how to do it without feeling my soul withering day after day.

***

In some moods it reads a little whiny; but I might as well quote some Wordsworth , learned during my school days, to finish:

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The Winds that will be howling at all hours
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for every thing, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.