Where Am I Going?

Today will be, I think, one of my more complaining posts. Though I am quite as cheerful as ever, I am once again anxious about the future, and I am asking myself, as I so often do: where have I come from, where am I, and where am I going? The answer to the first question generally consists of going back over my school experience and analysing it, but at this point that whole part of my life seems more like a distant dream than like reality, so the accuracy of the process is highly suspect.

"Where I am" is the more pertinent issue. At present I'm not worried about getting a job or getting into university, because I have convinced myself not to properly think about that until May. What does worry me is that, as far as I can tell, I no longer have any ambition at all. By ambition I mean the desire to learn, and the desire to explore new places, and plans for what I want to do in university and as a career. Probably I am simply demoralized by the long months of winter. But I've been making plans for self-improvement most of my life, and now I don't seem to have any. I think it would be nice to learn another language, or explore German and French literature, or read up on the things in Berlin's museums and art galleries, etc., but I no longer feel compelled to do so. Admittedly I felt compelled to do this kind of thing in the past because I thought that I would vegetate or be an ignoramus if I didn't, which is not a particularly pleasant motivation. And perhaps I have reached a decent point; for example, as far as telling the truth, doing the dishes, cleaning things up in general, not being disagreeable, not eavesdropping, etc., go, I am now quite successful, especially because I have little or no provocation to do otherwise. Besides, speaking three languages fluently is quite respectable.

But, still, I'm sure I could use an awful lot of improvement. For example, now that I am living comfortably up to my own moral standards, I am in considerable danger of becoming intolerably self-complacent. And, as for my knowledge, even in English literature -- even in nineteenth-century English literature -- there are still enormous gaps. In the other fields that really interest me, like history, current events, art, medicine and biology in general, music, archaeology, and gardening, I could and should know far more. On top of this there are the fields of which I should know more and in which I am moderately interested, especially psychology, philosophy, and nearly everything else.

Anyway, now that I've written all of this out, I think I do feel like learning something. (c: