A Castle-in-the-Air

Today was, as it should be, a day of rest. I got up late, showered, and then (after reading the end of one online novel and the beginning of another) played the piano for hours. During this session I didn't mind if I made mistakes, so I made hundreds of them, but got into the spirit of the pieces much more easily. Altogether this was very nearly one of my "genius" days. But in the end I played everything too quickly and carelessly, so I had to stop. It was also hard to play genuinely; I was thinking alternately self-satisfied and worried thoughts, which was not conducive to good music.

Tomorrow I will hopefully start properly studying on my own again, mostly in English and History. The inspiration for this is my internet research about Heidelberg; I now like the idea of studying there very much, and I've already looked up entrance requirements and so on. The ideal thing would, I think, be to take Englische Philologie and history (possibly Ur- und Frühgeschichte). One of the things that's nice about that is that my previous knowledge will help me so much here, which has not been the case much in school or university so far. I already know the English and French I'd need for the history programme, and some of the Latin I'd need for both programmes, and I've no objection to learning the third modern language that I'd need for the history programme. The problem is, of course, that the University of Heidelberg is an elite university and that I hardly qualify as a brilliant scholar. But I am sure that I would do very good work there, and I'd do what I can beforehand to make that more likely.

One may well ask why I don't just go to one of the universities in and around Berlin. The thing is that the documents that I've read so far from the Freie Uni seem far more bent on narrowing down the number of applicants than on welcoming them; of course there are thousands upon thousands of applicants, of which only a seventh are accepted, but once this fact is clear one doesn't have to be unfriendly about it. And I don't feel like going to the Humboldt Uni; I'm not sure why. Perhaps studying out in Baden-Württemberg simply seems more adventurous, and, I think, more challenging. There is a line in Tennyson, "We needs must love the highest when we see it," which accurately expresses my feelings in this case. I know it's not sensible, but until I see a good reason against it, that's how I feel. As for the boarding-money, I am quite prepared to get a job to be able to pay it (I have no intention of getting a student housing loan, affectionately known here as BAföG, because I don't want to study with a sword of Damocles hanging over me). Finally, as for waiting a year or two to get in, I'm sure that I am ready for that too.

Anyway, even if all of this dreaming comes to nothing, I have something to work toward, and be hopeful about. And as I dream I can prod my mind into some semblance of activity again.