English History in a Nutshell

A nonsense project that I've been tinkering with since February. Hopefully it isn't too long.

Before 1066 A.D.
England inhabited by savage immigrants, named after their favourite warring accoutrements. The Celts love their kilts, the Picts their pick-axes, the Angles their fishing rods, and the Saxons their axes. Later on the Angles and Saxons coöperate on a fishing-rod-axe, which wreaks havoc in the piscine and human world and seals their supremacy. But for some centuries the Romans, named after their fondness for dark, red-tinged green lettuce, have the upper hand.

122
Hadrian's Wall. A pre-emptive measure against Genghis Khan; known officially as "Hadrian's Security Fence."

1066
Norman Invasion. The Battle of Hastings is named after the haste in which the Saxons fled from the besieging Normans.

1215
Magna Carta signed at Runnymede. King John is in an intoxicated state from the mead for which the town is famous, and once he reaches the friendly tipsy stage, the barons tell him to sign a piece of paper, and he agrees with many a jovial hiccough. On the morning after, the friendliness, tipsiness, and joviality have evaporated, and his metaphysical hangover* is tremendous. The barons, however, are pleased. That piece of paper haunts the dreams of heads of state to this day.

1455-87
Wars of the Roses. The Royal Garden Show descends into violence after the competition for the best new rose cultivar ends in a tie between two powerful noble families. For the next three decades, the houses of York (a white rose) and Lancaster (a red rose) fight for the title, and the spade and the hoe are put to a new and brutal use. The strife ends in Bosworth Field, where a new garden show is held with improved security measures. The Tudor family, whose members come from both houses, wins the rose contest with a third entry: a pink hybrid of the warring houses' cultivars. Almost everyone is conciliated, though there are grumbled accusations of plagiarism; the swords are beaten back into the ploughshares whence they came and the world of gardening resumes its wonted tranquillity for another thousand years.

1509-74
Reign of King Henry VIII. A pioneer in British family law, specializing in divorce de facto and de jure. Among his other notable accomplishments is his action during the Dissolution of the Monasteries (1536-40): England is plagued by acid rain, which severely damages its religious edifices, so His Majesty spearheads a government initiative to retrieve and preserve the gold and jewellery and artwork from the crumbling ruins.

1588
Battle of the Armada. An imprudent Spanish explorer returns from the New World with a giant armadillo (Armada sapiens) on board his ship. The creature predictably breaks its bonds and considerably damages the Iberian fleet. At last Queen Elizabeth I magnanimously orders her own navy to take a whack at the beast, which it does victoriously (for Britannia rules the waves). Oddly enough, the Spanish are not grateful.

1611
King James Bible. The king, battling low self-esteem, orders his scholars to rewrite the Bible, replacing every mention of "God" with "His Most Gracious Majesty." He then distributes it free of charge to the populace, which makes the book very popular.

1642-51
English Civil War. So named because of the extreme politeness with which the affair was conducted. At King Charles's beheading, for instance, a contemporary overhears this exchange:

Executioner: Be the block sufficiently commodious, Your Majesty?
King: Oh, quite; thank thee kindly for the inquiry. Might I remark that thy axe is splendidly polished?
Executioner: I were hoping that ye'd note it!

1666
Great Fire of London. After much lobbying by the Puritans, whose temper was soured by the the monarchy's restoration, God obliges his constituents by cleaning up London with a few well-aimed lightning bolts.

1683
Ryehouse Plot. In a perfidious act of psychological warfare, the political opponents of Charles II plan to blow up the factory where the king's favourite rye bread is baked. The plot fails.

1688
Glorious Revolution. England tires of the absolute monarchy, so Mary and her husband William, Prince of Orange, are invited to come from the Netherlands. Much flattered, the latter agree to a parliamentary system so permissive that Albion's legislators go on a long partying spree. At the end of the night, however, a name for the revolution must be found. Everyone writes down a complimentary adjective on a slip of paper and puts it into a hat, Sir Robert Onslow closes his eyes and pulls one out — "glorious" it is.

1775-83
American Revolution. Faced with a scarcity of the crumpets, Devonshire clotted cream, and thin cucumber sandwiches that made it all worthwhile, the Americans conceive a violent dislike toward British tea in particular and Britain in general. The British government sends the Hessians to mediate; the Hessians decide to extend their diplomacy in the Clausewitzian sense, which measure meets with disfavour. After decades of relations as astringent as the controversial drink, Britain withdraws from the continent and henceforward keeps its tea to itself. In after centuries it is agreed by all countries that Britain may also keep the rest of its cuisine to itself, with the sole exception of fish and chips.

1815
The Napoleonic Wars, between England with its allies and France, end. The epic Battle of Waterloo is fought in the shadow of the great toilet that gave the Belgian town its name. Napoleon, leader of the Gallic forces, inspires his troops to great deeds through his eloquent exhortation to remember that "from the height of yonder edifice, forty centuries are contemplating you." But France loses and its chief is sent to the Caribbean island of St. Helena for a "holiday," as the Mediterranean retreat of Elba had proved not to be sufficiently "away from it all."

1832
Reform Bill. Parliament has become increasingly dissolute, with backbench MPs peddling gin and opium in full view of the Speaker, and the overtasked Speaker calling everyone naughty names. So King William IV calls the House to order in a lengthy lecture that is more sorrowful than angry; the sobered and penitent politicians pass a bill promising to behave henceforth.

1853-56
Crimean War. Its name derives from the British, French, Ottoman and Russian conviction that it would be a crime to let the military-industrial complex lie inactive.

1899-1902
Second Boer War. So called by the British because they are proving good at losing, and feel this to be a bore.

1914-18, 1939-45
Britain's long search for warmongering that is more unsavoury than its colonialist ventures is amply rewarded.

1956
Suez Crisis. A signal failure in good humour on the part of the Egyptians when British and French paratroopers try to annex the Suez Canal.

1979-90
Margaret Thatcher becomes Prime Minister and is promptly nicknamed the "Iron Lady" for her habit of bringing along a decorous, housewifely clothes-iron to parliamentary debates and then flinging it at the opposition whenever the spirit moves her.

1999
London Eye. Increasingly concerned about security, the British government builds a giant ferris wheel to keep a constant watch over the city.


* metaphysical hangover: term that comes up often in discussions of Kingsley Amis's ruminations on alcohol