Meditations Before Spring

The first cracks in the ice of winter have appeared, like sunshine and, yesterday, rain instead of snow. A blue hyacinth on our windowsill has been in flower for over a week now, and though the balcony-box looks pitiful, the heather and much flattened pansy leaves survived the snow cover.

After much soul-searching I've decided to preserve the status quo as far as working or studying are concerned, until a fitting job turns up (the daily consultation of job listings is of course being maintained). Eventually I'll panic about my bank account again, but it'll be good for ca. 9 months as long as Harpagon, Silas Marner, and Ebenezer Scrooge remain my fiscal mentors. Besides, the longer the job search continues the happier I am about not contributing to the saturation of the job market until it's absolutely necessary. Which isn't very happy at all, but then altruism and logic have their limits.

For multitudinous reasons which, again, I don't care to enumerate, I am strongly against returning to university at present. I'd much prefer to study abroad, so that the experience is well-rounded and more interesting, but that costs money. Though I began filling out an online application to transfer to Columbia University weeks ago anyway, my conscience wasn't at ease about it. I don't know precisely why and on the surface of things it seems perfectly fine to give the opportunity my best shot, but the last time such a strong unease manifested itself I disregarded it and consequently went through a very bad patch. So I've bowed to the French mathematician's dictum that "The heart has reasons which reason cannot know." Besides it was an ambitious plan and ambition is in my view a worrisome motivation.

I've come to think it is good to repose upon myself, as the French phrase goes — to remain in touch as much as possible with who I am; and to gradually and naturally find a path which can best unfold any qualities that are peculiar to me. I don't like competing with others, don't much care for a large income, have no desire for a prominent career, and have already learned that the approval of others is a fickle good and therefore not a North Star towards which one can safely orientate one's self. Of course I daydream about travelling and working in New York, Australia, Scotland, or Texas, etc., and I believe the wish for adventure and escape to be neither peculiar nor wrong, but it's more important to come to terms with quotidian reality and to make the most of such experiences when they come.

If it makes sense, I also want to slow down and do things like music and writing and learning history very thoughtfully and painstakingly over a long period of time. Firstly, surface knowledge or ability is not satisfying on a deeper level and in the long term, and as amusing as humbugging is I'd rather have substance to back it up; besides I want to have an original and consistent way of doing things. Secondly, I like the idea of emulating Sir Humphry Davy or Immanuel Kant or John Milton in becoming singlemindedly absorbed in whatever field it is that interests me and pursuing it at depth and in peace, and then coming up with something revolutionary and profound when I'm older. I'm not the best pupil and though school was a good catalyst I think I've learned much more outside of it; in the end if I'm going anywhere it has to be under my own steam.

Lastly, I've been determined since the age of sixteen (or thereabouts) to build up a stock of strength of character, knowledge, interests, etc., and become as self-sufficient as possible. For one thing, when I live alone or am homebound I don't want to be bored or feel that life is purposeless; I have found it impossible to rely on others, except in limited cases, nor do I want the embarrassment of falling apart in public; and finally, when and if I marry and have children I want to be able to transmit resilience and inspiration and fun rather than drain it. It reminds me of a Bible passage, "A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things." We learned this quotation in my Ancient Greek course; I remember it five years later because I found it quite touching. The good/evil thing is not so much what interests me about it, but rather the idea of the soul as a repository of treasures.