Scrying

I've come to the conclusion lately that it would be best to apply for university again. That I am not enthusiastic about it is certain, but since I live in a country where it is paid for and since it is better than idling for another year (the idling is worthwhile, but there is a time when it is worthwhile, and next year it would not be) I have decided to take a chance. The main obstacles now are, first and foremost, the likelihood that I will not get in; secondly, figuring out which programmes to apply for; thirdly, finding work to supply an income and help me when (if) I have the BA and am standing on the threshold of a career.

So far I would like to take Modern Greek, Russian, and Latin. (The first would be the major, the Russian and Latin double minors.)

The courses of Ancient Greek at UBC might not help that much, so I have decided to try learning a great deal in the meantime. At the bookshop today I did quizzes to learn the colours, for instance, and of course there are newspaper articles available for reading practice once I am advanced enough, which will take a little while. Besides there is the literature, geography, history, cooking, etc., to read up on for background. I'm hoping that the fact that I've liked Greece and Greek so much, though as they were two thousand years ago, will fuel the toil.

Besides I would like to do something in journalism and maybe visit one or two classes to be sure that I am making the right decision.

In the meantime I am worried that I am worthless, etc., as customary, and past dealings with the Freie Universität haven't removed the feeling that with the grades I had in the past and other things I am not a welcome applicant and am both obstreperous and beneath their notice; but these worries won't help even if they are right, so I blot them out and try to forget them. I still haven't lost the feeling that I should stick with applying to the FU, either, rather than trying a different university.

Anyway, in the best case scenario I'll be accepted and happy in my studies. I have all sorts of inferiority complexes about my mind, reinforced by years of creeping along in school and sometimes doing very well and sometimes doing very badly with equally middling energy, and never being able to take positive opinions as an incontrovertible truth rather than polite flattery. Besides I worry that the next time I become depressed or unhappy, the clarity of mind, memory, etc., will be taken away again — which is one reason why I am so circumspect about finding the right job. Feeling stupid feeds into insecurity, and not being clearminded enough to sort through the problems and find mental distraction makes me feel trapped inside my head. At present reading novels, one after the other, feeds my mind and curiosity reliably, and keeps it running so that I can process newspaper articles, the world around me, whatever I feel like reviewing on the Lighthouse blog, etc., easily.

As for the distant future, I have changed my mind in a major way about becoming an author. I feel less doubtful now about being able to write reasonably mature stories and so on, which may be a troubling sign in itself; but the prospect of becoming a public figure or of flogging my ware is so disruptive, and so little concerned with the kind of personal but unselfcentred exercise which I consider nice literature to be, that I want to wait if at all until I am older, secure of my identity, and good-humoured enough to clown around in public persona if that's what publishers, etc., demand. Journalism and writing stories for myself seems better, and if I can Emily Dickinsonesquely leave one or two very good novels behind for posthumous publication (if they're any good) I'd be pleased, and aside from that I think I'd like to publish stories for free on the web. Not middling run-of-the-mill stories but good, unpretentious ones whose principal purpose is to be enjoyed in the reading and the writing. As for poetry (to which the Dickinson analogy would of course better apply) I'll no doubt write it when the spasm seizes but otherwise I think my approach is too desultory to deserve much respect.