Complainings, Which the Reader is Invited to Skip

Today I feel decidedly like complaining, which activity is one of my weaknesses. Lately I've been feeling really discouraged. While I enjoyed my university year greatly, my marks were lacklustre and I still think that my abilities could and should be developed far more. And now I don't have enough energy to develop them on my own -- many textbooks, etc., have already been packed up anyway. I have no ambition left, except the vague one of writing a really good book whenever inspiration strikes -- which could be tomorrow or in ten years --, though I suspect that I won't be able to do anything as good as I would like before I gather much more experience.

I also worry about being dreadfully immature and unintelligent and unsocial by European standards. The horrible year I had when I went to German school in Grades 5 and 6 is still present in my consciousness. It seemed like an endless nightmare while I was in it; I could not be myself for a moment, and everything seemed unreal. My trip to Europe in 2003 was also disorienting and tiring, as was my trip to Kingston, and the travelling made me ill-tempered and depressed. I dread not being able to think clearly or to behave decently. Based on empirical evidence, there is only a slight possibility of the move to Germany going as beautifully as my sister's and my trip to England last summer. I hope, though, that people at university and elsewhere will respect my wishes to remain fairly quiet and independent until I feel safe and curious enough to explore the world more on my own. This worked magnificently at UBC, and when people don't do this (e.g. in Grade 8), the situation just becomes much worse.

Another thing is that I have a bad conscience about two letters I've been putting off writing. I suppose I should just to forget about myself and take care of them, but I'm so far gone in the quicksand of egotism that I don't think I've managed to forget myself for years and years.

Anyway, this could all be a chemical thing. Certainly I've been very moody lately. The day before yesterday a quarter of an hour of a TV documentary about Stonehenge made me feel decidedly cheerful, even though before that I didn't feel like even talking to anyone. I try to use music and other things to equalize my moods, but other than that I respect them. It's just when I'm bearish to my family and neglectful of my duties that I feel torn up and more moody than ever.