Sunday, December 25, 2022

Christmas 2022: Its Ups and Its Downs

Yesterday I met a colleague at Dussmann Kulturkaufhaus near Under den Linden. The café-restaurant in the basement was cordoned off, shuttered for Christmas Eve. But the rest of the department store was bustling. At the incongruous Ancient Egyptian sphinx sculpture in the lobby in front of the English Bookshop, free-of-cost gift wrapping stations were set up, where young attendants in uniform like a cross between elves and hotel pages were waiting to relieve the more hapless gift-givers amongst us.

In the end the colleague and I popped around the corner to share two plump American-style cookies, alongside a coffee and a hot chocolate, in a café. We sat on bar stools at a narrow laminate ledge at the picture window. And we chatted for hours, looked out at the grey scene on the Friedrichstraße (pricy, but not beautiful, with grubby yellow-and-red trains pulling in and out of the sombre latticework of the elevated S-Bahn station), compared notes on the shops, and exchanged gifts.

At least 4 or 5 units and groups of prospective or actual customers went in and out during that time, representing everything from looky-loos who just stuck their head in the door and abruptly took their trade elsewhere, to people who thronged in (well dressed for the winter weather; but it was 6°C) and offered effusive Christmas greetings.

The young blond man who was calmly overlooking the premises, equally practiced in English and German, took everything philosophically. The shop was so small that he probably couldn't help overhearing every single thing the colleague and I said, so while I didn't converse accordingly, hopefully it wasn't like listening to paint dry. At any rate he seemed to find us congenial, and it was a nice atmosphere.

[As usual, the talk of work wasn't the best idea, although I think I didn't introduce it. There have been 5 Christmas layoffs.]

We returned to Dussman before parting ways, looking at the racks with rock CDs from the 1960s, and both equally satisfied with our harvest. I bought The Kinks' Village Green Preservation Society as a Christmas gift to myself, to crown my year of 'discovering' 20th century popular music for myself.

***

We started our Christmas breakfast at noon today. A North American red, poinsettia-patterned tablecloth from my paternal grandmother was on the table, and in the centre a German blue linen square cloth with printed old-fashioned house façades and stars from my maternal grandmother. Two white candles. Tin-foil wrapped chocolates in gold, blue, and red, white too. And then a white soup bowl for each of us, with Dominosteine, Lebkuchenherze, Spekulatius, Zimtsterne, etc. in it. We also drank coffee and ate Stollen filled with marzipan.

Then we sang 'O Little Town of Bethlehem' as we proceeded to the corner room to admire our Christmas tree (live, with fairy lights, and hung full of decorations by my youngest brother) .

Afterward we walked to the Kreuzberg. It was cloudy but the sun dissolved through the clouds. My exercise schedule had lapsed more than I'd thought: I felt like I was a boulder on two legs and to Ge., I rather badly quoted a Grimm fairy tale:

was rumpelt und pumpelt
in meinem Bauch herum?
ich meinte es wären sechs Geislein,
so sinds lauter Wackerstein.

Then I listened to CDs of Christmas carols and The Kinks while cleaning up the parts of the apartment I've been cluttering lately.

Yesterday my campaign to read a few more books and magazines by the end of the year took another triumphant turn: I finished reading The Adventures of Menahem-Mendl. Today, it was the June edition of a fashion magazine. The day before, maybe, I finished an e-book of The Glass Town, a graphic novel about the imaginary worlds of the Brontë siblings. Maybe I'll finally write in my literature blog again. Now I want to finish Assia Djebar's novel Femmes d'Alger dans leur appartement, although the cryptic syntax and vocabulary are emphasizing again that my knowledge of French is not so great.

(The same impression I got from watching maybe 1/2 or 2/3 of the 2022 French thriller Athena without English dubbing, on Netflix. Speaking of which, I'd found the role of right-wing supremacists unrealistic in that film's plot — reading the summary on IMDb because I 'noped out' of the film itself; while I still suspect that the urban fighting methods and psychology of the film are pretty thin, now I feel a little dumb about my dismissal of right-wing violence considering the deaths at a Kurdish community centre in Paris since then.)

Not related to the film, I'm finding that Christmas this year is generally Making Me Think. When dropping off the presents for Ukrainian children, I saw in one corner, almost covered up by other things, one of the spiky road barriers ('Czech hedgehogs') that are used to prevent military tanks from rolling into a city. — Sure, it had a plastic bar code on it, but it was still a harsh reality check to me. And in Dussman, an employee announced on the department store's public announcement system that this year, the red shopping bag is being used to raise funds to protect Ukrainian cultural property. A pax romana was no true peace to the people who had been trampled under the feet of Roman soldiers, but maybe I want the illusion back that not just Germany, but also the world generally, is doing OK.

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Sunday in 1707: Winter's Chill and Star Watches

WAKING UP past noon to a pale grey Berlin winter day, it was difficult to regret not getting up earlier. My mother had fetched over the Advent wreath and its red tapered candles to the kitchen, and when I arrived a little coffee was left in the pot but everyone else had already eaten their croissant and returned to their rooms.

Wearing a woollen skirt was a good idea given the chilly temperatures, and wearing stockings with slippers over them too, but the 18th-century-esque attire would probably have been more practical had I thrown a scarf over the thin buttoned shirt and linen blouse that completed the look. Theoretically I should have taken out my bobby pins and tried a different hairstyle, but... meh.

THE FIRST Fall-Winter 2022 delivery (half the usual size) of coal for our stoves is melting away. My brothers and mother have already held several councils about how to lay our hands on more.

I'm abstaining from participating in these councils because I'm keeping my room at Arctic temperatures out of social and environmental principle. Only 2 bricks of coal have been fired this year, although I can also turn on an electric portable heater if I am genuinely suffering.

It turns out that our usual coal supplier is making its compressed bricks of coal available for larger power plants. For private households it is now only offering bags of loose coal lumps that are best stored in the old-fashioned way: dropped through a hatch into a cellar.

So we need an alternative. There are Ikea-esque stores around Berlin that have other sources and can promise to have available — or deliver — e.g. 3 bundles on a Saturday.

The long-term neighbours in this building have been merrily gossiping about all things fuel strategy for months; the tip about the Ikea-esque store comes from one of them. I'll confess to hovering in earshot from the stairwell, and eavesdropping on the latest 'deets,' whenever I catch a few words about coal.

My sister returned from a work trip to California in the afternoon, and my siblings and mother went to pick her up.

In the meantime, I played Lutheran Advent songs and Christmas songs on the harpsichord. In contrast to the Catholic song book, which has a lot of modern compositions, that I'd been using before, the Lutheran song book is has a lot of compositions that are Baroque-era or medieval.

Then I began cooking Baroque food again.

Our dinner was Schupfnudeln, which are delightfully pudgy, dumpling-like pasta. The sauerkraut that went with them was just heated straight from a store-bought jar.

Instead of historically accurate drippings, I fried onions, a parsnip left over from last week's Mesopotamian recipe, and a red pepper, in butter, and then added the pasta in there to get the nice golden-brown crust at the bottom. I'm still trusting John Evelyn here not to have deceived me about the existence of capsicum in 18th-century Europe, although I'm pretty certain a farmer in Swabia would not have eaten it often.

Deviating entirely from the 18th century, I prepared a stock from leftover vegetable cut-offs, added it to the Schupfnudeln water, and dropped in semolina and oyster mushrooms. After I taste-tested it, I added chicken bouillon powder. It was piping hot and the mushroom was a fair, robust ersatz for chicken meat. That said, I'd rather have cooked the vegetables and mushrooms fresh, instead of being too distracted to rescue them from the pantry a week ago when I should have...

When my family took longer to return from the airport, I turned off the oven (I'd also used one or two energy-saving techniques while cooking the meal itself) and began to read more of a 17th/18th century British literature anthology.

For the first time I became properly aware of Muggletonians, one of the English Civil War era splinter groups who were too radical for Oliver Cromwell. The Wikipedia page is a quirky read.

Besides the literary events of 1707, there were these political ones: the Great Northern War, Queen Anne's brutal policies with regard to Ireland, and the ongoing War of the Spanish Succession, for example.

But I'm eager to finish reading the dratted front matter of the anthology, since Daniel Defoe, Jonathan Swift and others are awaiting!

The tea light that I used to read the anthology with was not especially strong and there was much squinting even if the beeswax had a nice fragrance. It would have been a good idea to experiment more with aluminum foil as a light reflector, but it's likely the lantern's position was too draughty.

In terms of technology, I've pretty much given up on not using modern clocks during my 1700s experiments.

But last week I stumbled across the fact that 18th-century Europeans could also tell the time after nightfall using devices called 'nocturnals', with little notches based on the positions of stars.

After the failure of the sun dial I'd prefer, however, to wallow in indolence longer, and not to hand-make the worst nocturnal known to humanity until my ego has recovered a little more. I feel like Toad in Wind in the Willows, only rather than chasing mindlessly after the newest fads, I'm chasing mindlessly after the oldest fads.

Saturday, December 10, 2022

So This Is Christmas (Season)?

It's become obvious that there is almost no time where work is not stressful, so rather than proclaim that the sky is falling yet again, I want to describe some of my Saturday outings.

It was clear already that it would be difficult to reenact life in the year 1988. I have a long list of Christmas/New Year's tasks. One of them is to organize toys, because a Ukrainian colleague appealed to us on Friday to help with an initiative to brighten the lives of children in the Zaporizhzia region by preparing Christmas presents that a charity will ship there. So I went to a local drugstore and browsed the toy section to see what would 'spark joy' in any child.

After that I cycled to the former core of West Berlin in Charlottenburg, buying Christmas presents at a bookshop. Aside from the uncomfortable throngs of holiday shoppers, the Breitscheidplatz felt gruesome today. It's located where a major shopping street converges on the ruin of the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church, a vast square occupied by a Christmas market. It was also the scene of a deadly mass attack a few years ago. So it has tall speed bumps all around, and the clusters of genuine evergreen trees and strings of Christmas light are only fig leaves to hide extensive safety barriers. It's a bit like the proverbial iron fist in a velvet glove, and it left me with the heebie-jeebies. When I was pushing my bicycle between the wooden stalls as I needed to reach the opposite corner of the square, a blue-vested security guard came up and told me in a kind tone to please take it along the opposite side of the street. So they are really not taking any chances.

It was more at Ernst-Reuter-Platz in the heart of the Technical University campus, where I began to feel 1980s vibes. The buildings were largely constructed in the 1950s through the 1970s, but the tech feel and the car-centric street planning and maybe a few other elements made me feel like this chimed in with my historical research.

But the shopping also had a bitter edge as I came across an information panel on a residential building, which listed the dozen or so Jewish neighbours who had been living here until they were shipped to concentration camps in the 1940s. Two 'Stolpersteine' were embedded in the pavement.

After that, I went to morally support the choir I've been trying out for, in their annual Christmas carol concert. As part of a last-minute drive to read more books before January 1st, I took along Sholem Aleichem's Menahem Mendel and progressed a bit.

Cycling back along the Straße des 17. Juni, basically a twin strip of motley parking lot which has gained a reputation for prostitution and drug drops, a hopefully less patronizing variant of 'Do they know it's Christmas?' came to mind. Singing 'Ding dong, merrily on high' seemed a little removed from reality.

It was dark after the concert. After getting a bite to eat once back at home, I first sat down to draw more handmade Christmas card motifs (using an old New York Times Style magazine issue for inspiration, and reading the articles while I was at it).

Then there's the long list of tasks I haven't tackled yet:

1. Reserve seats at a restaurant for teammates, making sure first that teammates who never check messages have a chance to complain about which day it's being booked on

2. Order gifts for teammates who cannot make the restaurant and verify what replacement gift to get for someone whose first pick has sold out. Keep in mind when they will be out-of-town for the holiday season and will thus be unable to receive a delivery.

3. Sort out the last details of a goodbye present for a departing human resources colleague, likely a card and then cycling to the office to finish the wrapping and hand it over to a current HR colleague.

4. ...

I don't want to suggest that I don't genuinely enjoy planning and implementing gifts etc. But in the past year I've felt like I'm working 5 times as hard to generate social rapport, without getting much energy in return. It's probably due to Covid and social distancing changing how we interact as colleagues. But combined with implementing a lot of things at work that I don't genuinely agree with, impostor syndrome whenever I get together with fellow team leads and it becomes clear yet again that I'm not a proper engineering manager and am only being granted special peewee league recognition, losing touch with a lot of colleagues whom I deeply trusted and enjoyed working with, and as usual finding that if I'm doing poorly other people are also doing poorly and it's good to spend a little time listening to them and finding the right things to say (or not say), it is draining the life out of me.

At least I've taken next Friday off. But it's likely another godforsaken surprise decision or important meeting will ruin that holiday too.

I've been researching the year 1989 in preparation for next Saturday. Inspired by Back in Time for Dinner, Back in Time for the Weekend, and Supersizers Eat ... The 1980s, I've just played Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, Pong, and Arkanoid (which was not new to me, thanks to the siblings), in an online free arcade. Besides, I've already listened to the top hits released that year: Aside from the Paula Abdul and Bette Midler singles that everyone knows, I took time for Natalie Cole's "Miss You Like Crazy" — and Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" because it's the first song of theirs that has a nice rock edge.

***

'Work From Office'-Gate has been defused by our managing director, who encouraged us all to file exception requests. This came after I'd written a long request in which I did go into gory details, crossing a work-life Rubicon I'd rather not have crossed. Either way, I went to the office fairly voluntarily again on Friday. But after having delved (while writing my exception request) into memories of medical emergencies witnessed during the past, I was not in a great frame of mind for the commute. I felt myself having strong physical anxiety when a police car and ambulance crossed an intersection in front of me, breathing quickly and getting blurry vision, and thought 'This isn't so great.'

That said, it was nice to work opposite M.

I also met the Korean office cleaner again, who is really nice and who also inspires some faith in humanity because she doesn't have the battle worn air of other cleaners in the past. As she doesn't speak much German, let alone English, I'm hoping to ask her to teach me 'hello' and 'thank you' in Korean, and to learn something more on Duolingo.

I also met a German security guard. She mentioned that the office Christmas tree had to be set up without fairy lights this year, so she tried to make it as sparkly as possible; and she seemed pleased when I said that I'd never have been able to decorate it so neatly.

Saturday, December 03, 2022

Ending the Work From Home Era?

On Friday I took the day off work.

But at 3 p.m. I returned a little reluctantly for a middle managers' meeting, to hear more information about my company's new return-to-work policy. The policy is that starting at the end of February we would have to return to the office for at least 4 days per week.

It was announced to middle managers like me per hastily scheduled video call from a head of the Europe-Middle-East-and-Africa section of our parent company, on Monday morning. This was followed by a rambling email (hours later than promised) to the whole company by our CEO, and then a question-and-answer video with the CEO on Wednesday.

Of course this is better than Elon Musk's dictum that people who aren't working in the office don't belong in his company.

But my team was unexpectedly firm in not wanting to return to the office, and spent the first day after the announcement moping.

I felt more philosophical at first, but then also became annoyed by the lack of understanding from the company leadership about the worst challenges that my colleagues were facing. I also began to realize how much this ruling invades our privacy.

Is it really nice to ask teammates to detail the private pain that they often see elderly people who are seriously ill and that they are afraid of infecting them with seasonal viruses that are deadly to weakened immune systems?

Is it really fair to ask colleagues to 'out' chronic health conditions that they prefer not to mention in work contexts for the sake of not having to deal with it for at least a few hours per day, or fair to ask them to declare mental illnesses of which they may be ashamed?

— The policy is: If colleagues want an exemption from the 4-day rule, they must fill out a questionnaire. The inputs will be read and evaluated by their direct manager (e.g. me), the managers above their direct manager including people whom they have never met, and human resources personnel whom they have never met.

Moreover, although this is likely confidential information I'll spill it anyway, the human resources team expects 40-50% of employees to ask for an exemption.

Apparently a company that just fired 20% of its workforce and is not backfilling roles of people who left for other reasons before and afterward, which has been hell for the employees who are left with the larger workload and the loss of trusted workplace friends... is willing to spend massive amounts of time and personnel on processing thousands of remote work exemption applications. This is a process that adds absolutely no value to our product, for our shareholders or for any ordinary person or company who uses our services.

Which brings me to the putative justification for the 4-day work policy: Togetherness. The idea being that we will be happier, more collaborative, and have a nicer working culture if we are all together in the office, like a happy family.

One of my teammates joked that Rick Astley's late 1980s pop hit Together Forever should become the team anthem.

The problem is: the company's leadership has extremely narrow view of Togetherness. What about the needs of parents who, weirdly enough, might like to be Together with their children — their actual family? What about those of us who'd have liked to be Together with colleagues who were fired over the past year? What about those of us who would be happier spending more time Together with our friends and relatives outside of work?

I was also angry that apparently only commute times 1.5 hours or longer will be considered even remotely uncomfortable by our American superiors. As a bit of a would-be architecture and city planning nerd, I know that Berlin is laid out quite differently from many American cities. Moreover I consider a live-in-the-suburbs-and-commute model unenviable for humane reasons and for environmental reasons (consider the harm that 2 or more hours of car driving do). With this news, I've lost hope that 1 or 2 of the teammates who live quite far away from the office will get the no-fuss exemption I'd expected for them, and which would have allowed them and me to get on with our lives.

Intermittently I've done nice things yesterday and today — like go shopping in little neighbourhood shops for assorted Christmas things, and indulging in food experimentation by cooking a Mesopotamian root vegetable stew from a historical recipe book as well as sweet potato pancakes with kimchi mayonnaise. In the evening, fifteen of us had a lovely, hearty restaurant meal as a family with visitors from western Germany.
In the late afternoon, I'd gone for a walk in the snowy landscape, green grass and yellow or brown leaves scattered through or just beneath the surface of the thin layer of snow, to the allotment gardens. I had bought a beautiful bouquet of red tulips from a florist's store; and the grainy grey snow sky had the traditional wintry, blankety look.
Only two or three groups of people were walking in the gardens, so I was almost left alone to commune with nature. (And to think of Robert Frost's poem, perhaps inspired by subconscious associations via 'Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening': Two roads diverged in a wood... I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.)
And when a wind chime rang quietly from a hidden garden nearby, I felt a moment of wonder and a vague 'memory,' and realized that it reminded me of Narnia and the White Witch's sleigh and (admittedly bewitched) hot chocolate and Turkish delight.
... But I've also been stewing in work-related anger, and the lovely vacation and weekend are not as relaxing as I'd hoped.

Sunday, November 27, 2022

The Dregs of November, 1986, and 1705

Earlier this week my sister and I received an email from our former boss, who sent birthday wishes to my sister and briefly caught us up on his life. It made me feel a lot better, because I've been quite lonely lately.

The fact that a weekly Friday work meeting that I was dreading has been postponed, also helped me feel more mellow on the weekend.

*

The first part of Saturday was dedicated to the 1980s historical experiment, rather loosely.

Aside from wearing a striped red t-shirt and a flowered, pastel-coloured Laura Ashley dress indoors, I bought the New York Times (international edition) and went to the street market, where I bought turnips, spinach, creamed honey, and incense sticks from India.

I also bought leather gloves, not because they're Eighties but just because I wanted them. I didn't have any mittens or gloves of my own: my mother was figuratively tearing out her hair over this. Generally I tap my fingers against the bicycle handlebars when out on cold winter days, but it's still uncomfortable and people do look at me a bit funny when I'm revisiting the 5-finger exercises from my piano lesson days while transiting.

Besides I sat down at the typewriter again. In my touch-typing lessons booklet I have reached the rather dreary exercises where I need to type out a paragraph, identify the words where I'd made mistakes, and then type out the word dozens of times until I get it right. Then try to type the paragraph again, this time without a mistake.

Because it would have felt tactless to do so for the sake of a mere experiment, I didn't try to mark the events of Chernobyl in any way, but of course that was a notable event in 1986. Also one that doesn't feel too far in the past considering how the question of nuclear safety has been revived in Ukraine lately.

*

But I returned to 2022 early in the evening. Last week my voice coach had asked me if there's anything I actually do for fun, purely for fun, outside of work — without worrying about doing it well or getting it right. It has Made Me Think.

So I read mass market genre novels, and watched two kitschy but nice Christmas films (three words: Royal Christmas Nanny).

Besides I followed along a 1/2 hour of ballet warmup exercises. My right ankle seems to be strained at present, so jumping on it was not a great idea, but at least I stretched it out to try to relax the muscles. The ballet slippers were also good at keeping my feet warm: my room is probably usually below 15° Celsius now.

***

In the end I woke up well past 11 a.m. today. It was later than I'd like, also not typical for the 1700s period that I am researching on Sundays these days, but it was also a lovely sign that I am actually using the weekend to relax. Rather than attempt to dress up in attire that's historically accurate for the year 1705, I plunged into cooking and eating.

For our late breakfast/noon-day meal I made a Swabian pancake recipe that's thick and plummy like the southern Kaiserschmarrn, from the book of Baroque cooking. 375 g flour, 4 eggs, 1/2 litre milk, plus butter for frying and cinnamon-sugar.

We had it with coffee, croissants from the bakery, and in my case with an apple juice-sparkling water mix that I pretended was ale.

Later in the day I cycled (i.e. rode my trusty steed) to the southwestern part of Berlin that used to be a village until imperial-era academics took over and it eventually transmuted into the Free University in post-war western Berlin.

It has the medieval church in which my parents were married, with its wooden tower that looks a little like a Wild West palisade, and field stones gemming its walls.

It took me a while to find the church. Its tower is low and my orientation in Dahlem isn't great. Amongst other things I mix up the Podbielskiallee with the Pacelliallee.

Along the way I passed the graveyard where Ferrucio Busoni, Marlene Dietrich, and Helmut Newton are buried. This I didn't know at first, but after spotting the archway I had to go and investigate. The yard was busy as women and men were tending the graves and Berliners were taking advantage of the sunshine for a Sunday promenade today.

The boxy graveyard's character is distinctively 19th century, I think. It also has quirky brick buildings that in my view reflect the Victorian Age fascination with death and medievalism. But most of the birches, beeches and other trees on the site are relatively young, apart from an oak that I'm sure must date from 1900 or the 1870s. Rows of flat, tilted, dark grey gravestones lying on the ground mark the graves of around 170 people who died during World War II. At least two of the gravestones just say 'Unknown' ('Unbekannte' or 'Unbekannter') instead of a name and I guessed, perhaps wrongly, that they must have been found in rubble of bombed houses. Later I also discovered knobbly, paler grey standing crosses, also identical to each other in form, that marked graves from the period of World War I — this time they all had men's names on them and I presumed they were soldiers who had fallen in battle.

(On the way back home from Dahlem, I revisited the graveyard, and found Busoni's grave, and paused there a moment.)

In Dahlem itself, I entered the churchyard and I sought out the grave of my grandfather's uncle and aunt (or, cousins-removed?), who'd died young in a car crash in the late 1920s. It was quite moving to think of their children being left behind — which was also the reason why I looked for the grave: the deaths were hard and shocking for the whole family and I wanted to help make sure the couple wasn't forgotten.

Walking very near the walls of the church, I faintly heard an organ, and I think soprano voices, so either a church service was happening or the choir was practicing.

Back outside the churchyard, there is a street median with an 18th-century ice cellar and a later monument, but they were fenced in. So instead I turned to the buildings of the Dahlem farm, which are currently hosting a Christmas market.

While I was vaguely curious about visiting the Christmas market, it was overfilled also with families and elderly people who were waiting to get in. Rather than barge past my frail human brethren for the privilege of inching past market stalls and testing my hard-acquired Covid immunity, looking at purchasable items with only 3.50 Euros in my pocket which in any case I'd have had to relinquish as the cost of entry, I walked a little further to the farm shop. There, to my surprise, I found a single bottle of mead, a drink that has been the object of a long search ever since I began researching the 1700s.

Back at home I cooked a soup of dark roux, onion, caraway seeds and salt according to another Baroque recipe, and sautéed white turnips with their greens and with chopped onion. We ate it accompanied by an organic Pils, also from the Dahlem farm shop, which was one of the best beers I've ever had.

The turnips tasted good, but were otherwise the most embarrassing dish I've ever made. I'd wrongly assumed the greens didn't need careful washing. ... The greens were still sandy. Worse, I found in my own portions a grub and a fruit fly. I warned my family off taking any more.

Then we celebrated the First Advent Sunday by eating gingerbread, Spekulaties, and Dominosteine. I opened up the bottle of mead.

Generally, now that I'm an adult, there are few things that, cleanly prepared, I will not eat or drink. So it was perhaps refreshing (for lack of a better word?) to dislike something. In this case, mead, which to me smelled and tasted like a witchy brew of cabbage, raw alcohol, and honey syrup, and genuinely nauseated me. My mother and brothers — who all found the mead quite tolerable — 'didn't know what I was on about,' to quote the favourite phrase of a British colleague, so maybe it was my mug or a mixture with the remnants of the beer that made it more awful?

In the evening I played the harpsichord again, Advent songs from 1705 or earlier. In the early afternoon I'd played more worldly songs like the admittedly much older song "Greensleeves," and "Greensleeves" formed a poignant soundtrack in my mind during the visits to graveyards later in the day.

It was a relief that there were a lot of songs that I knew, or at least could play, that were already composed by 1705.

Last week I'd mentioned to uncle Pu (the violinist) that I wondered whether tuning the harpsichord would be historically accurate. He drily remarked that people already had ears in the 18th century, and that whether an instrument is well-tempered or not is a different matter. So today I did adjust the strings where most badly needed, and of course the music sounded better.

No offence to Henry Purcell, who in his orchestral works does anticipate the imagination and feeling that I like so much in Antonio Vivaldi, but I'm still impatiently waiting for Bach to finally begin composing properly. Bach is twenty years old in 1705, but nowhere near old enough yet to produce the cantata "Herz und Mund und Tat und Leben", a song that was stuck in my head today too. (At least Händel has already begun composing operas.)

In the early evening, I sat on the stove in the living room holding a mid-1950s clothbound edition of fairy tales, and read a few of Charles Perrault's 17th century stories. They're pretty brutal, needless to say, even if you ignore "Bluebeard": take his short version of "Little Red Riding Hood" and his long version of "Sleeping Beauty" (the prince has a cannibal mother who impedes the Happy Ever After).

Saturday, November 19, 2022

The First Proper Snow Day of Berlin, 2022

Last week I finally figured out that I've developed textbook symptoms of burnout. At first, understanding what was going on made me feel better. But by Friday that relief had worn off, and I'm honestly a little bit scared.

In the meantime, I woke up early today and went shopping.

First, to a zero-waste shop for bulk pasta and red kidney beans refilled into jars, a bottle of olive oil, potatoes, a lemon, and a red pepper.

Then to a market hall. My uncle's stepdaughter wasn't at her stall outdoors, so I went indoors into a French import stall and bought a few Christmas presents. Ice had frozen in a puddle on top of a wooden barrel at a restaurant terrace outside the building, and here and there in Berlin small drifts of rime or snow lay in the grass or at the windshield of a car. Having told the cashier 'Merci beaucoup' and been rewarded by a delighted response wishing me a 'Bon weekend,' back out I went, cycling randomly through the nearby streets.

There was a long line of people waiting at the entrance to a Finnish Christmas bazaar, beside a massive 19th century brick church.

On the church's announcement board, which I'd read a few seconds before, a poster had mentioned the steep rise in demand for the donated food that is distributed to refugees and others from the building. Which made me think I should organize more food donations soon.

More cheerfully, a sports field nearby was alive with the shouts of young soccer players and the vibrating ring of metal wires as the ball hit a fence.

After that, I cycled more over the cobbles and through the drifts of yellow gingko leaves, multi-colored maple leaves, and green-yellow leaves from trees whose species I've forgotten, to the allotment gardens.

It's been lovely lately to go to the gardens. There's hairy brown kiwi fruit growing over a gateway lattice that I didn't notice until the greenery had mostly died off. White tufty beards of clematis seed pods like St. Nicholas's mingled with the bright red of rose hips, are still climbing into the lowest branches of what I think is a larch tree. And the wine-red and dark blue colour scheme of the Virginia creeper vines is as beautiful as ever.

I like listening for sounds that break the silence. It's gradually, as you draw closer to a garden plot, when you begin to hear the rustle of a bird, the hard scrape of a gardener's rake, the murmur of conversation, or (to give an example from today) someone playing a jazz-pop recording.

These peaceful, hidden workings amid the apparent winter paralysis reminded me of my favourite Thoreau essay, "Winter Walk". But it also reminded me of scenes in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

“Overhead there was a pale blue sky, the sort of sky one sees on a fine winter day in the morning. […] Everything was perfectly still, as if he were the only living creature in that country. There was not even a robin or a squirrel among the trees

A gardener had left pruned cedar branches outside their fence, and I gladly took a few of them home, clamped into the back of my bicycle.

Snow began to fall near noon: speck-like flakes, not thickly gathered, swooping through the sky, and thankfully dry so they didn't melt and make anything soggy.

I did, explored, and enjoyed more things today — not least a tea with an uncle and an aunt, my sister, my mother, and two of my brothers, over candlelight, almonds, and cake. But I think I will stop here.

***

In the winter, I stop short in the path to admire how the trees grow up without forethought, regardless of the time and circumstances. They do not wait as man does, but now is the golden age of the sapling. Earth, air, sun, and rain, are occasion enough; they were no better in primeval centuries. The “winter of their discontent” never comes. Witness the buds of the native poplar standing gayly out to the frost on the sides of its bare switches. They express a naked confidence. With cheerful heart one could be a sojourner in the wilderness, if he were sure to find there the catkins of the willow or the alder.

— Henry David Thoreau, "Natural History of Massachusetts" (Project Gutenberg)

Sunday, November 06, 2022

1983 and Board Games

In the end my 1983 experiment didn't fully happen either. Although in the past week as mentioned I tackled Jane Fonda's famous original workout video, which while its quality is undeniable felt radically unsafe compared to the careful 21st-century YouTube exercise routines I watch, the most intense 1980s experience was probably getting 'hooked' on music that came out in 1983 during the work week.

I listened to a few pop songs while performing a repetitive task, to cheer me up. On the one hand my conscious brain was still interpreting the lyrics and video of Billy Joel's version of "Uptown Girl" with regard to gender roles, and meditating about how the shift in the 1970s of more women into full-time work and large professional incomes might have been hard for men and women and gender-non-binary people to adjust to. On the other hand, my subconscious brain found "Uptown Girl" so terrifyingly catchy that it played that song on repeat to me for at least three days. It was almost a relief when "Why Can't We Be Friends?" was stuck in my head on Saturday.

Besides I did begin reading a computer filing system manual published in 1983, which spoke rather touchingly of a 'data base' and about how professionals in different fields might find it increasingly useful to store data on a computer instead of typing and re-typing it.

But for most of the day I breakfasted with the family, ate the rest of a pumpkin soup that I'd concocted Friday, and went cycling off to the allotment gardens. A gardening couple had just harvested the last apples from their three trees, and when I asked for some from the basket they were filling, they were eager to chat and happy that I asked their advice on how best to eat the fruit (cooked? baked? fresh?). The woman said that this year the yield had been unusually plentiful. Her husband was so modest, as well as echoing her friendliness, that my heart melted.

Then I tried baking cookies to take along to friends from work, who had invited me to join a larger group for board games. The baking didn't go well: the cookie dough was too dense for the piping cylinder, the cookies turned rather more than golden brown in the oven, and in the end there wasn't really a nice receptacle for the five or so good ones to go into. In the end I ran out of time and cycled off to the friends' apartment as quickly as safely possible.

The board game evening itself was lovely. I think that at work I've temporarily lost the ability to be friends with everyone, and be nice. Here in the more relaxed setting there weren't the same causes of friction to make me wary and snappish. Eating tortilla chips and cookies and cheese, sipping mineral water, chatting about non-work-related things, being careful not to sit on the hosts' cat, and playing a few rounds of Codenames and Wizard, was really restful.

Saturday, November 05, 2022

In the Year 1702, Berlin

It was difficult, but in a nice way, to carry out my historical experimentation today. T. came over to the apartment to have breakfast with us, and what with the leftover food from yesterday, her plans to cook lasagne again, and the potatoes and tinned fish she also bought, it seemed wiser not to cook food from the early 1700s on top of that.

So I walked to the zero waste shop in the neighbourhood, for penne pasta, red lentils, aniseed, a candle and a dish scrubbing brush, following it up with a trip to the bank. (Where all the machines were working except the ones where I tried printing an up-to-date statement.)

And it was abundantly clear that there is another challenge in researching the Baroque period on a Saturday: it is so much noisier, so filled with vehicles, so modern in every way, than I imagine even the epicentre of London around 1702 would have been more easygoing. Besides I felt the leftover muscle ache from one of the ways I've tried to cheer myself up this past week: working through Jane Fonda's first, 1982 workout video. Which is also not very 1702.

*

Nearer Home

Either way, I still went to an outdoor market. Someone was singing the Beatles' "Lady Madonna" to the accompaniment of a guitar, and it was packed. Fruit juice stands with piles of oranges and pomegranates ready to be freshly pressed were all the rage in Berlin today. And of course there were hundreds of other things to see, eat, buy and drink. But I bought big, red Boskoop apples because my mother likes them, socks, licorice allsorts that my siblings adored, and a bag of dark purple Muscat grapes.

On the way back home, I dropped by a little shop in the middle of 1960s-esque social housing. Amidst the pretty Mediterranean rugs and throws, I selected two Aleppo soaps. One was an unpackaged brown laurel soap, and the other was wrapped in a shiny white paper package with Arabic [Well, this is embarrassing. I just looked at the package today and it was just very small writing in German.] writing that I couldn't read. The shopkeeper seemed pleased, explained that the laurel soap was a body soap while the other was for the face (evidently guessing that I hadn't been able to read the package), and directed me with stern friendliness not to leave the soaps lying in water. I was fairly sure that he was from Syria himself; and the shop feels nostalgic about a lost world to me, also in the detail of the torn Persian rug that served as a makeshift screen between the back and front of the premises.

It was one of the places I visited today, which I've been passing by and been longing to explore for a long time.

***

Last week I was more successful in researching 1701, sticking to walking around quiet parklands and isolated cobbled streets that are less attractive to cars, and beginning to figure out how to dial back 21st-century hygiene without risking illness. For example, I fill a large pottery bowl with water, then use a large wooden spoon as a dipper, to avoid always using the modern indoor tap.

Reading is possible with a candle, after dark. And depending on the sunniness of the weather, the homemade sundial on my windowsill has enough hour markings on it now that I can more or less use it reliably until nightfall.

***

To Berlin's City Centre

The Arsenal, Berlin, Germany
(Zeughaus, at Unter den Linden)
via Wikimedia Commons

Today I wanted to explore more of medieval and Baroque-era Berlin, this time in the shape of the Zeughaus building on Unter den Linden (now home of the German Historical Museum), and the Marienkirche at Alexanderplatz.

So I began walking, much to my surprise coming across first the Mayor of Berlin, who stood on the sidewalk with two security officials and a cameraman who was still emerging from the buildings where she'd just had an engagement.

Then amongst the skyscrapers at Potsdamer Platz, two buses from the soccer team FC Bayern München pulled out of a side street I was trying to cross. In the end, the Bavarians beat our home team 3-2.

Near Brandenburg Gate I was fascinated by another passerby. Maybe in her fifties, hair cropped, tucked in the shapeless tan trench coat of a 1980s journalist, but with a grey leather tote bag in her hand and an expensive-sounding clop-clop of pump shoes that I couldn't see beneath the coat. I was impressed by her air of having places to go, as other tourists flocked aimlessly around us. And when she took a phone call with a pleasant, warm voice — she must have been talking to a dear friend — her accent was Berliner. I think she was headed to an office near Pariser Platz.

At the Gate itself, a throng of protesters was holding Iranian flags with gold crests in the centres, and a man was chanting something that was hard to hear from a distance but must have been 'Freiheit.' On the other side of the gate, groups of three policemen each were guarding the American embassy, and black cars were thronging to ferry around the elite guests of the Hotel Adlon.

On Unter den Linden, I eventually reached another protest: the island of candles, flowers, and Ukrainian flags in front of the Russian Embassy. It was quite moving.

At the Prussian State Library building, I briefly popped into the courtyard. It used to be one of my favourite places to go in Berlin when my family first moved back here. What I hadn't noticed before is that there seem to be bullet-pocks on the pillars in the courtyard, facing away from Unter den Linden, presumably left over from a shoot-out during World War II.

The New Museum

At last I reached Museum Island, and read the information sign with the helpful sketch of what the Lustgarten in front of the Berliner Dom would have looked like in the 17th century. The Pomeranzenhaus looked lighter and nicer than the bulky Stadtschloss, and while I'm not a big fan of sprawling formal French gardens the general layout really was quite fancy; but apparently the premises weren't open to the public then.

It took me a while to figure out where the Neues Museum was. Its entrance abutted on a courtyard, and the wooden doors looked more like service entrances.

I was worried throughout that with the kangaroo pouch in my hoodie I'd be suspected of being yet another environmental protester ferrying around a liquid to wreak my political convictions on an innocent artwork. We were definitely directed to leave all outdoor jackets and bags in the cloak room.

While buying the ticket in the modern James Simon Gallery building, I'd also asked at the information desk how to get to the collections of the former Museum for Vor- und Frühgeschichte at the Schloss Charlottenburg. It turned out that they're on the top floor, and I was glad I'd spared myself the time of searching.

As a moderate loathing of Heinrich Schliemann has been a family tradition ever since a friend of the family read us an enthusiastic biography of him and his wonderful polyglot feats, and inadvertently converted some of us into his fiery foes, I skipped past the Indiana Jones attractions of the exhibition dedicated to him with little regret. (Amongst archaeologists, I think he's experiencing a partial rehabilitation, so none of the professors whose courses I attended spoke of him with scorn.) Instead, I went straight up the staircase surrounded by the bare restored classicist brickwork that won Chipperfield so many accolades when the building was renovated.

In this museum, provided one isn't climbing a staircase, about to fall into a vitrine, or in someone's way, it's generally also worthwhile to look up. You find strange brickwork that look like the bottoms of wine bottles in a dome, scraps of lovely old frescos, and quirky 19th-century-esque fretwork beams.

The room I first landed in from the Vor- und Frühgeschichte collections had a wooden floor that scrunched underfoot. It was also a hodgepodge, as each row of vitrines reflected the heteroclite tastes of 19th- and early 20th-century antiquarians and collectors, like the famous Rudolf Virchow.

And I became aware that I've become a little too politically correct for museums. Looking at ancient artifacts from 6th century Iran or Mesopotamia or the Black Sea that had just landed in Berlin for ... reasons, really just felt like legalized robbery to me. That said, the beautifully intact, partly massive pottery, the intricate Bronze Age spearheads, and really huge old flints made me thrill with the sense of human achievement and the feeling of happiness that the archaeologists must have had when they found these. The difference between picking up the millionth shapeless pottery shard — and unearthing that rare find that requires little imagination, effort, or truth-stretching to perceive as it was thousands of years ago, and that also communicates across the gap of time the tastes and refined skills of an old craftsman — is huge.

There were also little quantities of horse riding stirrups, clothing clasps, and swords from the Middle Ages in Germany, which were exactly what I was looking for.

But the best part was the room dedicated to the archaeology of Berlin. It had a lead coffin of a nobleman of the Johanniter order, discovered underneath the foundations of our City Palace, smushed in at the top, but decorated with a beautiful lion's head and ring handle at one end. Besides a perfectly intact blue glass bottle, pot-bellied and formerly filled with gin imported from London; 19th century building sculpture; stained glass fragments from the church of St. Petri; sauceboats from the luxury restaurant Lutter & Wegner that had been deformed in the Allied bombing of Berlin; a threatening-looking machine gun and ammunition belt from a soldier, recovered from the former concentration camp at Berlin-Lichterfelde, to remind museumgoers of the brutality of the Nazis; and other things I've forgotten.

It included finds from amongst the foundations of the medieval church of St. Petri; and since I often cycle past there, I was determined to see the site in person.

After that, I not exactly power-walked, but let's say 'skimmed,' through the other exhibitions.

I say so not out of Schliemann-enmity but out of genuine conviction, that there are a few remarkably kitschy oil paintings in his special exhibition. But a peacock-coloured blue faience vase from ancient Egypt was truly beautiful.

The Roman artifacts in other rooms were worth a second look (which I didn't give them), and so were the ancient Greek vases (reminiscent of T.'s favourite room when we saw the British Museum together). I was amazed to see gold measuring scales as a representative of Viking archaeology, and liked the very Giacometti-looking 9th century cult idol. The human skulls and bones scattered around several rooms (also the rings, eyeglasses, false teeth and a kidney stone in the Berlin Archaeology exhibit) felt like grave-robbing to me. And I walked quickly around a mysterious conical bronze hat that as far as I recall came from ancient Mesopotamia, and passed through the room with the bust of Nefertiti.

Medieval Berlin and Cölln

Back outside, I walked toward Alexanderplatz. There I visited the Marienkirche. Its field stone walls are dark at the bottom, lighten beigely toward the top, and then peak into a tarnished greenish spire that was not around yet in the early Middle Ages. The white and red painted patterns within the tops of the tall windows were a surprise. That said, Alexanderplatz is really not a place of quiet and meditation, and the 1960s opulence of the TV Tower really does overwhelm the church.

Inside, I'd say none of its medieval character remains except for the architectural bones. When I started reading the epitaphs on the walls, I could surmise why: the heyday of the church had apparently been in the late 17th and early 18th centuries, because that is when most of the epitaphs were put up. I think that the sculptured staircase to the pastor's perch was also Baroque or Classical, and carvings at the altar had the same over-the-top aesthetic. But the church itself is pretty simple: a few slender columns, no complex aisles, fine-boned ribbed vaulting at the very top of the walls but no other ornamentation. Berlin was not very rich or large in the 13th century, I imagine, and I think the church was built well before the frills and furbelows of Perpendicular style.

A few people were sitting singly in the wooden pews, absorbed in apparently gloomy thoughts. A few of us were also ambling around in front of the altar or around the side aisles. On a white table near the roped-off area and the basin of holy water, there was a book where one could write wishes for peace in Ukraine, and I was rather moved to see a recent entry in Cyrillic writing; and blue and yellow tea lights were burning in two racks beside it.

What I hadn't known until I read it in German Wikipedia just now, is that Martin Luther King, Jr., preached in this church in the 1960s and said that 'no border can divide God's children.'

After leaving the church again, I set off in the direction of the twin spires of the equally medieval Nikolaikirche, passing the Rotes Rathaus as I went.

It was only after I reached the church that the question came to mind what someone in the 18th century, or the 13th, would have seen as they walked between the spires (if there was foot traffic between the two, and it wasn't a Montague and Capulet type situation). Fields? town houses?

I didn't see an entry point to the church, and was too lazy to circle back to at least read the grey epitaphs. But it was in a quiet zone, cobbled, with a few tourists eating at the small restaurants and cafés. The front of the church, with its fountain outside and the two towers rising from it, reminded me strongly of the onion-dome church in Munich. Reconstructed in the 80s during the commemoration of the 750th anniversary of Berlin, one of the buildings had projecting stories that jutted toward the church, and a huge sign that here Gotthold Ephraim Lessing had finished writing his play Minna von Barnhelm in 1767.

At the church, signs had also pointed to the fact that for example the German theologian and hymn writer Paul Gerhardt had been a deacon at the Nikolaikirche. It didn't say much to me until I returned home and found out that he wrote some of the touchingly simple Baroque Christmas songs that I know: "Wie soll ich dich empfangen?" and "Ich steh an deiner Krippen hier."

After that I began travelling back home, and on the way I found the wooden boards encircling the medieval city square of St. Petri. The enclosure has two windows cut into it so that passersby can see the archaeological site. The wire fence across one window had been laid open at the side, judging by a beer bottle that lay inside apparently for the purposes of carousing. But beyond the excavated construction rubble and sand, the grass and herbs, and the bottle, I saw dusty pale pillar stubs that used to hold up the medieval church. Beyond that, at the distant wall, a much deeper excavation.

On the fence itself there was also a poster that (in my view, unfortunately) showed an artist's rendering of the multi denominational religious building that's intended to be built over the site. Not that I object to the good intentions, but the architect's aesthetic is a little ... bare to me.

Winding Down the Adventure

Winding my way back to the main street, I was tempted into another warren of post-war buildings, which partly looked like 1960s low income housing. But there was a low building with white-painted metalwork chairs outside, chalkboards advertising traditional German cooking including desserts like plum cake, Kaiserschmarrn and rice pudding, and flowers. I made my way in through the hallway, surprised to see that the fitted kitchen behind the counter was straight out of a 1980s or 90s American home or diner, and asked for a slice of plum cake — then also saw slices of delectable-looking Stollen with squidgy marzipan centres, and asked for one of those too. It turned out that the restaurant had just closed, so the man at the counter wrapped it up for me to go. (He and his partner also seemed to be listening to the Hertha BSC - FC Bayern München game.) He reduced the price a bit for me, and I asked him if he accepted tips (since he hadn't done the full restaurant service deal due to closing time, I thought it was better to ask in case he was touchy about it), and he looked really happy about the admittedly meagre 50 cents I handed him.

What was sad was that an elderly lady with a walker and (presumably) her granddaughter had just come in and wanted to eat. They had to leave again, hungry, the walker carefully manoeuvered over the high step at the entrance.

*

Illustration by Ernest Howard Shepard
from Winnie-the-Pooh (1926), by A A Milne
via Wikimedia Commons

Wolfing down the Stollen as I walked, I stopped to lean on bridges on the way home. Below one, a thick pale greenish frothing of decidedly agitated water lay underneath an artificial waterfall of a river lock. I decided to play a game of Pooh-sticks, in honour of the A.A. Milne book, and tried to spot a linden leaf again after it shot over the edge. But the leaves didn't fully rise to the surface again all the time — a few lurked inches underneath the surface — so I only spotted the second or third one I tried this with.

That isn't everything that happened today — I could talk about my writing with a goose quill and finally figuring out that I need to dip it far into the ink pot if I want to write more than one sentence at a time. Or many other things. But even if it isn't an authentically 18th century thing, I figure that Pooh sticks are a nice note to end on. Except that I'll add: as I walked home from my long outing, the sun set and I was reminded of Thomas Gray's 1740s verse:

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day;
The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea;
The plowman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.

Saturday, October 29, 2022

Halloween and Gardens in the Age of Inflation

Today I woke up before 10 a.m. and went to the bank and shopped at a drug store in the mall. Needless to say the shelves are overflowing with Christmas specialities: foil-wrapped chocolate balls, Printen gingerbread, marzipan, and chocolate St. Nicholases.

The drug store also sold the second battery I needed to begin taking photos with my half-digital, half-analogue camera. (We have a photography manual whose first edition was printed in 1974, appropriate for my 1980s research.)

And I stocked up on Halloween candy.

Finding Halloween candy is more challenging this year. I've been bombarding my teammates at work with updates about the 2022 Controversy of the Chocolate Bars: Bounty, Mars, Milky Way, Snickers and Twix bars are largely missing from the shelves of grocery store chains due to a pricing disagreement between the Mars company — which wanted to hike up prices — and big German retailers — which refused. (Although the Turkish supermarket down the street as well as newspaper kiosks are still selling the bars as singles, so we're not entirely deprived.)

That said, when Ge. and J. from a long walk to Tempelhofer Feld, they mounted an epic foraging spree of three grocery stores and returned with a generous Halloween candy haul in the evening, including ... 1 Bounty bar, and a pack of off-brand coconut chocolate bar minis. Their haul will be stashed in the pantry until Monday, of course.

On a less sugar-high note, I felt perturbingly feeble when setting off for the errands, though, having trouble walking normally at first and feeling short of breath. That said, it hasn't been all that long since Covid, and perhaps a lack of sleep exacerbated the symptoms. What's also funny is that I have no trouble with high-intensity exercise.

We had a breakfast of croissants and coffee after that, then T. — who was visiting us — began her epic, meticulous preparations of two lasagna casseroles: lasagne noodles, tomato sauce arrabbiata, spinach, cottage cheese, and a lighter sprinkling of grated hard cheese on top.

In the meantime I cycled off to the allotment gardens. It's verging on November, of course, so leaves are often very brown or red, most apples and quince are either gone or rotted (I was able to bring back home a little apple quince from a basket, however), and a few red apples have remained behind like raw rubies in the winter muck. While the temperatures have been balmy lately and the sun did appear later in the day, there was a cloud cover.

Many gardeners were in their plots today, gathering with friends or family, trimming away the summer growth, and even mulching branches with machines roughly the size of a high-backed chair and no noisier than a lawnmower. It had been years since I last smelled the fragrance of hot sawdust.

I did manage to nearly ding the rear spoiler of a motorcycle with my bicycle, however, by almost falling off my bike when turning into a path.

It wasn't devoid of comedy, especially when I sensationalize the anecdote into 'I got into trouble with two bikers today.' But it was dumb of me to nearly bash up someone's prized belonging.

I tried taking a few photographs of the flowers and trees. But due to the time of day and the weather, the colours were dull and lifeless in the viewfinder. Besides, the uneasy feeling lingers that it's likely there's black-and-white film in the camera (I haven't used the camera in a long while, so I've genuinely forgotten); so it's possible that all the delicate shades of colour I was trying to capture didn't make sense for the medium.

Then I went to buy ingredients for my 1701 historical meals tomorrow. We still have two bottles of beer and a bottle of cider in the pantry, but I was unable to find mead at the small organic food store. Instead I bought spinach, pears, apples, plums (from Italy), and a nice, zucchini-looking dark green spaghetti squash. We still have wheat flour at home, too, and that will likely be the base for most of the cooking and/or baking.

***

On Friday, teammates and I watched the 1993 children's film Hocus Pocus as a 'team event' in advance of Hallowe'en. It felt quite wholesome, and I liked the 90s nostalgia, and was amused by some of the rudimentary acting. The special effects and staging were I think intended to feel a little fake.

But I did work overtime after the film, and didn't get enough sleep. So I've succumbed to brain fog today while typewriting and playing the piano, making lots of mistakes.

Researching the year 1982 didn't entirely go well; but I'm pretty disgusted by the Falklands War, so the half-heartedness today was partly a gesture of protest. Next week I will hopefully catch up on buying a Viennetta ice cream cake.

Monday, October 24, 2022

1981 and 1700: Two Historical Experiments

Friday and today I took the day off from work, although at least from the most selfish perspective perhaps two weeks would have been better.

*

On Friday I 'celebrated' the year 1981. After I went to the supermarket for an unconscientious shopping trip, we prepared grilled cheese sandwiches using our panini grill in honour of toasties.

In the evening, I cooked a Canadian Thanksgiving meal belatedly: roast chicken with bread stuffing, potatoes mashed with celeriac, cranberry sauce, apple sauce, and steamed Brussels sprouts. T. joined us for the meal, although Gi. stayed in Brandenburg.

The apple sauce was likely the worst I've made. But it used fresh apples from the allotment gardens, as well as a quince wrapped in a cloth separately so that the stones in the flesh wouldn't end up in the sauce.

*

On Saturday, because I've grown a little bored of reenacting modern times, I inaugurated a new 1700 to 1900 historical experiment that will run in parallel with the end of the 1900 to 2022 experiment.

The biggest challenge for me was avoiding looking at anachronistic electric clocks. But attempting to hear church bells over the city traffic to tell time on a Saturday, when there's still a lot of traffic, would probably only work when I'm outdoors. Perhaps I need to set up a sundial on my windowsill. (But I'd also like an excuse to visit old churches in Berlin that predate the modern period.)

For hygiene I'm substituting modern practices. There is a public water pump from the early 20th or late 19th century in a side street near the family apartment, fancy and operational, but the warning sign on it clearly indicates that the water isn't for drinking. I definitely won't recreate bathroom amenities that predate the late 19th/20th centuries.

Also I knew that it would make me cranky during the following work week if I woke up as early as people generally did in 1700, so I woke up past 9 a.m.

The period-appropriate breakfast was quite dreadful. That might be due to my misunderstanding the recipe, which was adapted from a Swabian recipe in the Baroque period. It was a soup of toasted wheat kernels, — which were supposed to be shredded but I just pounded them with the stem end of the spoon — scattered into salted water, left to swell, and then topped with onions that had been fried in drippings. It tasted like oily water from the bottom of a pot of burned popcorn. It felt indigestible. (Confession time: rather than fire up that old wood-burning stove that is so easy to find in Berlin, I went with a modern gas oven instead.)

For lunch, I invited out the family to a real Swabian restaurant in the neighbourhood. We ate spätzle and drank beer from the tap, and had two large Kaiserschmarren pancakes for dessert. Eating al fresco in the warm autumn air with sunshine around us was lovely.

Afterward I went shopping for Sauerkraut, beer and butter, but didn't have the patience to go to the market.

I played a few pieces (17th-century hymns and Purcell) on the harpsichord that was loaned to us years ago from a family friend; read another two pages of Cervantes's Don Quixote; read the introduction to an anthology of post-Civil-War English literature; and read two medieval poems in Latin with a German verse translation opposite. Technically I could have also done needlework.

Altogether, through research and imagination, I am getting a feeling for how my part of the city might have been like 300 years ago.

But many things are driving me crazy about the time period and the 1980s are pure luxury in comparison. For example:

1. The stronger role of religion in daily life.

2. The lack of modern bathroom amenities and laundry facilities.

3. Low literacy levels?

4. High poverty rates — according to one secondary source I read, a town in Swabia might consist 30% of people who were too poor to survive without food handouts from their local aristocrat.

5. Even Bach and Scarlatti were young in 1700 — too young to have published any music yet. Not only is the musical scene a comparative wasteland, but the harpsichord also doesn't have the same richness and variety of sound as a modern grand piano. (Although I can learn to play the recorder, guitar, or flute on this occasion.) Also, the harpsichord had a key that is wildly out of tune, but I decided to keep it out of tune for the sake of authenticity...

What I do like is that 1700 feels more sociable. For example, if I understand correctly, one would actually need to go to a coffee house, surrounded by people, to lay hands on a newspaper or on coffee: no anti-social consumption in solitude at home except perhaps for the very rich.

*

Yesterday the siblings and I cycled to Tempelhofer Feld. It's definitely the decline of autumn, the leaves on the trees very deeply yellow and red and brown, leaning toward the latter end of the spectrum. But the field was well visited, having much the air of a 19th-century impressionist urban people-scape, and a smattering of kites flew in the sky.

In general, at home, I've been playing more music. Beethoven's piano concerto No. 3, Schumann's famous quintet (piano part), etc. — I'm exploring longer works again and I guess putting to good use the impulse I've had lately: to return to familiar things for comfort as work seems to bring nothing but grief, and I feel too emotionally fragile to put more pressure on my brain by reading modern literary fiction or non-fiction. I suspect that the moral pressure to save gas is also quenching the joy I'd take in cooking.

Monday, October 10, 2022

What Does Achievement Really Mean?

I've been back to work today and it's less bad than expected.

That said, I guess I'm beginning to realize a bit better how unhealthy the job has been for my sense of pride in myself.

I still have mountains of impostor syndrome, no matter how much I labour away on behalf of my tasks and my colleagues. (Although to be fair, I'm already used to having mountains of impostor syndrome about freelance writing, and in that case I wasn't being paid for the trouble.)

My task load also increases exponentially every month, to exaggerate a little. So no matter how much I do I will always be asked for more.

Yesterday I'd sight-read most of Schumann's "Abegg" variations on the piano, for fun, and doing that gave me a far purer sense of achievement than anything else I've done for months.


Friday, October 07, 2022

Wrestling with the Covid Kraken

For the past two days I've been wrestling with a case of Covid; two of my siblings had already started being ill earlier this week and last week, so I thought I knew what to expect. But in the end experiencing it myself was rather less agreeable even than that.

On Thursday I had a sore throat and took a sick day from work, and I took things easy and played the piano and did other quiet things until the early afternoon. Then I took a nap, and after that the full experience set in. Fever, chills, joint aches, nausea, etc. kept me awake intermittently for much of the first night, although it became better after I finally gave in and took an aspirin. Yesterday I mostly felt too weak and headache-y to even sit at a computer. Now it's better.

My mother kindly bought a supply of bananas and apple sauce, so that I could have things to eat that wouldn't unsettle my stomach, and family and teammates have been very sympathetic.

Despite the worst part of Thursday night, it's been more enjoyable than work. Its constant pressures and well-meant scrutiny from upper levels, the departure of another teammate from the company, another teammate's pain (she looks set to lose her second parent), and the deep anxiety of other teams as (with a continually reducing workforce due to the layoffs and the inability to hire more people) the amount of tasks we can finish for clients becomes smaller and smaller.

I've had to remind myself — lying awake briefly in the middle of the day or the night, and thinking — that I need to accustom myself to the thought of picking everything up again next week.

'Theirs not to question why, theirs but to do and die.'

Saturday, October 01, 2022

1978, and the Joys of Work Life at Peak Shopping Season

It's the year 1978 and I didn't really throw myself into the experience in an overly worthwhile way.

Instead I dusted bookshelves, windex'd windows and picture frames, and vacuumed one room.

Cycled off to two sets of allotment gardens through the rain and slight wind, returning with four damson plums, two pears, two apples, oxygen pumping through my arteries, happy recollections of glowing quince, magenta asters, and a deep autumn fragrance of freshness and seasonally appropriate rotting as if the earth were gently sagging in on itself and reabsorbing the leaves and fruits.

And I went shopping at the organic grocery store for mushrooms, figs (the best I've ever tasted fresh: sweet in a sharp, sun-ripened way, tangy in the centre), milk, celery stalks, and one or two other odds and ends.

Discovered recipes from the 1970s in our kitchen pantry: One, a compendium of recipes for zucchini, including apparently the zucchini bread recipe that I tasted once when my paternal grandmother made it around 1990 and never forgot. The other, a booklet of recipes that accompanied a yoghurt maker that has long vanished. In the end, I ended up not cooking.

Practiced typewriting again. This time it was more fun, although per the lesson I had to type out words I'd gotten wrong until I finished a whole row without a mistake.

We had our traditional croissants and coffee for breakfast, and then T. came over. She made boiled eggs for all of us, then concocted a salad of tomatoes, spinach, egg, and dressing.

Ge. only returned from his morning shift at almost 4 p.m.

At that point I was going to drop off a cloth bag of donations for Ukrainian refugees. It was the only delivery in the parking lot this time, due likely to the rain, and the drop-off point was unmanned today. (Or, to bow to 2022, un-personed.) I felt rather awkward after I'd cycled away when the rain started up again, as there were two soap bars in there that are likely not rainproof, and a soggy bag is never fun...

Speaking of which, a pair of jeans is now also drying and waiting for the wash, as my rain jacket sheltered me reasonably well but didn't extend to my legs. I don't think I've bought clothing for a few years (hazard of my profession; one becomes chronically disgusted with excess), but a cycling outfit with rain trousers might not be amiss.

It's becoming chillier and I'm wearing the slippers that my godfather-and-uncle M. gave me for my birthday, as my toes clearly weren't enjoying the prolonged contact with cold hardwood floors and draughts. On my first outing today, the fragrance of woodsmoke lightly lay on the air.

A lot of acorns are also rolling over the cobblestones; and underneath old horse chestnut trees, car tires had mashed the green pulp into thick clusters of little fireworks on the asphalt.

My mother and I briefly met at a restaurant-café with M., who shared his plump, sweet and comfort-foody Kaiserschmarren with plum compôte, and sipped on a coffee with amaretto biscuit while debating with us about the repeat of Berlin's last election cycle.

*

As for work, it's a bit 'First World problemy' and not the worst time of my life (teenagerhood and my 20s were a great preparation for adulthood in setting a remarkably low bar), but in the moment it feels really challenging.

Like in March 2020, the workload is so brutal that it is turning colleagues against each other; I've heard of and seen in person tensions that make you unhappy to think about. I haven't been perfect myself, and turned into a regular Rumpelstiltzkin last Friday. ... The top manager who consistently sets a clear boundary against overwork is herself overworked and out sick again: her good beginnings are a wasteland. Power vacuums are popping up as people try to fill in for others who are burned out or absent for the moment. The overzealousness adds another frenetic impulse to the overall stress. The frequency with which colleagues are going behind each others' backs about projects is awe-inspiring.

I suggested in the last team lead meeting that maybe it doesn't make sense to put events in each others' calendars if we see they're already full, putting meeting on top of meeting to squeeze it all in. In my view, this unhealthy practice is being led from the top of the company downward. A few team leads seemed to Very Much agree with this, but then two very well-meaning and assertive higher-level colleagues assumed this meant that we just needed to follow proper meeting protocol and we needed to say when we have too much. I caved into my Canadian side and subsided instead of buckling down.

— I crafted an announcement afterward, reminding everyone in the company that Tuesday and Thursday mornings are supposed to be meetings free, including the advice the higher-level colleagues gave amongst the bullet points. I ran it by the team lead group and left it open for comment or objection for about two or three hours, and then posted it in the company-wide channel, attributing it to the team lead group. — Which I guess makes me one of the people who kind of go behind people's backs... But whatever my overimpulsiveness, if it saves two or three colleagues severe stress, I think it's hopefully worth it.

This weekend I'm not even complaining so much to my family, mostly because I don't want T. to hear about work stuff during her holiday; but also because it is just tiring to think about. At least I'm not crying quietly into my breakfast as I've sometimes done on weekends... and it should all be over by Christmas as the shopping season settles down.

I also will guiltily confess that I actually look forward to colleagues' holidays in at least two cases (not in my own team). I really, really like them personally and our professional collaborations can also be very fruitful; but the stress is so much lower when they're not bursting into my work days at random moments like wrecking balls.

Saturday, September 24, 2022

A Saturday in 1977: Freezer Food, Potato Chips, and Job Obsession

Last week at work was aggressively unpleasant again, more so toward the end as I dealt with my part of the work on a massive client as well as massive discussions about strategy; and I still felt tense and angry even while asleep after Friday.

In the morning I did half an hour or so of work, not reviewing stock this time, but trying to pull up figures for a strategic discussion because I knew on Monday I'd be too dumb and busy to handle it. PostgreSQL, BigQuery, Google spreadsheets, and enormous pressure from colleagues you usually get along well with, are really all you need to relax.

Anyway, uncle M. came for a visit, and we ate breakfast together. Croissants, orange marmalade, and baguette as always, this time with Ge.'s café au lait.

In honour of the year 1977, I wore a tall 1970s dress. And then I went on a wild housekeeping bender when T. visited and chatted with our youngest brothers about meal plans. I've figured out that a stale baguette slice is good for scouring the grease off of wood that's unfortunately near the frying pan oil splash zone.

Afterward T. and Ge. cycled off to the Drachenberg. I went on various errands. First, buying a pumpkin, broccoli, carrots, blueberries, and donations for charity, from a local organic store. Then fetching the New York Times (international edition) and two chocolate candy bars from the newspaper kiosk across the road. Then dropping off the donations at the parking lot at the former Tempelhofer Airport building.

It was busy at the adjoining intersection, as people who had been attending the Saturday marathon events were shepherded across a road by police officers who looked a little fed up. First they clustered on a traffic island in the centre of the street. Then they were let through to the other side. It all looked a little risky, like sheep stranded on a high boulder by floodwaters. Someone possibly in the blue-and-white police van had a megaphone and hollered instructions to the pedestrians in German-accented English. And one by one, a police officer waved through the cars who had selected this route.

At the airport building itself, a few donations had been stacked neatly against a fence beside the charity's van, but no one was there yet to receive them. So I walked down through the building complex, where it was a little creepy to think that this used to be an epicenter of the Nazis, until I reached the donation sorting and shipping hangar. There I offered to carry in the donations where they'd be better sheltered. There the lady who was coordinating let me in and said that a volunteer was on their way to take care of things already. Then I asked whether they needed more people to sort, and she said 'Always!'

Two volunteers were at the sorting table already: one a taller woman who almost looked like Melissa Gilbert, and the other a wiry smaller woman with her hair in a pixie cut. I sorted two bags of clothes, the first of which was exquisitely chosen — except for two German-language paperback books that were in good condition but questionably useful for people who live in Ukraine, and the second of which was all right. In the meantime a brisk sports game was going on in the part of the hangar that's fenced off for refugees and other Berliners: we heard a lively soundtrack of squeaking and running and shouting.

It did disturb me when I came across a men's jacket that had a pocket on the inside that was exactly the right size and shape to hold a Swiss army knife or something larger. [Update: My family has pointed out, to my relief, that this is likely just a coin pocket.] And I tried to clean off a puffer coat that looked warm and worth donating but had dark grey wear at the wrists, and a few specks of white, with a disinfectant wipe.

Other than that, a lot of baby diaper packages had come in, which was good — also a plastic pink potted orchid that was still in good condition, a decorated glass mug, and one or two other odds and ends.

On the way home I went off on side paths and looked at an old building monument, walked through allotment gardens, and finally entered the Mediterranean import store I'd been meaning to try for years too.

It prominently displays wine in the shop window and the bottles dominate a lot of aisles, and it's basically a supermarket in size. When I went in, I did have the sense that a stereotypically macho taste dominates the store: alcohol and meat.

But I was intrigued by the shelves and shelves of unfamiliar Spanish specialties and brands, from marmalades and nut spreads through potato chips; the jarred calamari and other shellfish; the huge shelf of dried pasta with gnocchi and manioc flour at the end (they also stocked Brazilian food, with pão de queijo in the deep freezer); sun-dried tomatoes, jars of capers, and lots of fresh pasta and olives.

Through a doorway with a sliding door it was possible to reach the fish counter.

The elaborate freezer section was timely for my 1970s experiment. I was fascinated by the grey prawns of all sizes, shrimps, crayfish, whole octopuses and octopus legs, frozen wild salmon fillets, slender sardines, mussels, Venus clams, battered calamari rings, etc. on one side. On the other side, frozen oranges filled with ice cream, tubs of ice cream, pão de queijo, tiramisù, and readymade pizzas. I didn't get a good look at the short legs of lamb etc. that were also there.

In the end I went home happy with this new experience, with two jars of pesto and two packages of pasta, a package of frozen tiramisù (not very 70s-themed), and a pack of aceto-balsamico-flavoured, salty potato chips. (The British television series Back in Time for Dinner suggests that flavoured potato chips were a big fad in the late 1970s, but rather the artificially flavoured kind.)

I laid in an interlude of typewriting. It was enjoyable in general. But imitating a # sign on a German typewriter that doesn't have it by typing the = sign, then backspacing, then typing a /, then grumbling to myself that it still doesn't look right ... at least 20 times, was not so fun.

For dinner I cooked pumpkin soup, roasted the pumpkin seeds for snacks, prepared grated fresh carrot, steamed a head of broccoli, and opened the package of tiramisù, while T. and Ge. played flute and cello duets with slightly adventurous intonation. And we had a nice family dinner.

I'm still stressed and even resentful about work despite these distractions. I have to keep telling myself to be kind to myself and to others; that I have been doing the right thing as far as possible so I haven't done anything I need to 'beat myself up' for — these times are just stressful; and that nothing that's happening in my job is as important as death or war.

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Long and Winding Road: Team Event and Frantic Post-Layoff Activity

The past week was another circle of hell, except that I liked the fellow spirits in it.

*

On Monday the managing director of the part of the company I'm in had organized a company hike in an area on the outskirts of Berlin with which he is familiar. Generally quite dignified and not at first glance the practical sort, his careful attempts to venture beyond his usual scope of work were touching and well-received.

We gathered at an S-Bahn station, ready for the sortie, in good spirits — some of us hadn't seen each other in person for two years, and besides a whole contingent of American colleagues had arrived either the previous week or over the weekend.

It was a generously sunny day, in the most lavishly scaled part of old imperial Berlin, and the forests beyond were promisingly green.

Our principal challenge that day, aside from getting there, was that our managing director is a former amateur soccer player who I think made it into the second German national league. He still keeps up athletic habits and jogs considerable distances. His idea of exercise is, in short, somewhat heroic.

At any rate we walked along the streets, then a forest path, with good cheer; we survived a steep climb with zigzagging and rustic wooden stairs made of irregular logs and roots and sand, where colleagues kindly pitched in to help me carry my bicycle up an incline that seemed rather heart-attack-inducing; and at the end we reached the top of the hill and had a great view of Berlin, from the Television Tower and the Die Welt balloon, through the Olympia Stadium, through industrial buildings and a few fuming chimneys, to the matchstick-like white figures of windmills in rural Brandenburg all around. There was a great carpet of forest on the next hill we were scheduled to climb, but until then we took group photos of each other and of the skyline, chatted, etc., along with other sightseeing groups on the grassy dome.

The path down was bumpy, sandy soil interrupted by bricks and squiggles of what looked like rebar or stainless steel. As I maneuvered my bouncing bicycle down it, one of the teammates in the American branch and the managing director as well as other colleagues evidently expected to see me pitch head-first down the slope at any moment. But after that came tranquil level ground. The following uphill forest stretches I almost managed to tackle on my own before I finally gave up near the top of a slope. Four colleagues took over the portage of my bicycle (which was by then heavily embarrassing me), and then the managing director (whom I longed to relieve of my bicycle, but it was too awkward) pushed it the rest of the way.

We were just encircling the leafy crown of the hill along a narrow, trodden earth path at the crest of a slope that had the steepest incline yet, when a mountain cyclist who was extremely committed to his craft passed alongside us on an even narrower, outward path. We were all afraid he'd fall over before he finished passing all 40+ of us colleagues, but he clearly survived.

After that we scaled an asphalt-paved road and paid entrance to an old Cold War surveillance station at the top of the hill. The hill itself had been constructed by of the rubble of Berlin's buildings after the aerial bombings of World War II, although now it's knee-deep in trees and outwardly looks natural. The station is so glaringly obvious with its massive white spheres dominating the landscape, that colleagues could not stop wondering why it was considered an appropriate venue for covert espionage.

And then we had the run of the building complex, decrepit but tidied up, and draped in careful graffiti artworks, from political commentary on Israel and the US to a tribute to a young man who had died. On the roof we ate the lunches we had brought along, everything from cheese to granola bars, took photos, and chatted.

At first sight, the exterior staircases had felt like madness after all the other climbing we'd done. But as the other colleagues had made it, we followed suit. One American colleague who hadn't had anything to eat yet went rather beyond her strength; I heard her mutter to herself 'Don't look down; don't look down' as we scaled the metal stairs with no backing to the steps, and thin rails that didn't impede the view down the four stories. I joked to her and two or so other colleagues that we'd been signed up to a fitness boot camp without our knowledge, and they all were half-amused, half-felt that it was almost true.

The American colleague, looking very pale, was sitting with a sympathetic other American colleague underneath a tree below the building, when my sister and I walked back down from the rooftop. She had hailed an Uber, and soon a handful of us had walked the rest of the way to the entrance to the hilltop, and were waiting with her there beside a motley assemblage of fitness equipment. By coincidence two other walkers had hailed another white compact Toyota via Uber, so she thought her ride had already come; but the driver practically ignored her and then two tourists bustled past into that car.

I chatted with the colleagues there, also after the American colleague's Uber had arrived and she had absented herself with the plea, 'If the others ask, tell them I stayed strong!' Eventually the rest of the company arrived, we made group photos, and then we went on an endless-seeming walk back to the S-Bahn station. The endless-seeming walk was still nice; I think somehow we also all appreciated the time to talk with each other, the feeling of being in nature and not in front of our computers, and the way the managing director had planned for us an experience that was not about a fancy big budget or perks but just about the essentials of restfulness and 'togetherness.' After that, my sister and I cycled home together.

I had the afternoon off because I'd asked for the holiday, but a few other colleagues of course were working hard the rest of the day.

*

So that day was nice, but it was a lot of physical exercise. Then the pressure to go into the office was strong because my team was going to have an 'on-site meeting' with my sister's team on Tuesday. Which meant another 9 km of cycling in the morning, finding my bearings in the office, and having absolutely no time to work on the tasks I'd meant to do.

I did all of the cycling to and from the office, and survived the stress of having it be implied that I was exaggerating the susceptibility of my team to sudden changes during Black Friday season, because it suited me to do so.

Then I went to a team event. My team ordered considerably more food and drink than I'd expected, so I couldn't cover the cost on my own (even though I'd brought along 270 Euros, borrowing those 70 Euros from the household kitty even though I dislike doing so) and I had to ask a teammate to lend 80 Euros. We also exceeded the Berlin team budget considerably, although hopefully the American team still had money left over, so I'm not sure if my expense reimbursement request will be flagged as unreasonable. My bank limit for the week was nearly reached; so when I tried on Friday to withdraw the money to pay back the teammate, I ended up withdrawing 50 Euros only.

The team event itself was nice: we were all gathered in an outdoor restaurant garden except for my jet-lagged brother who understandably excused himself, the team put together a lovely birthday card for me, and we ate delicious Greek food.

On Wednesday evening I worked massive overtime again, but still made it almost to the tail end of a company event at a beach volleyball court. All the food had been cleared away, but alcoholic and non-alcoholic beer remained, a few colleagues were still playing foosball or table tennis, and quite a lot of people were chatting away at picnic tables underneath a wooden pavilion. I talked briefly with a fellow team lead and my direct manager, but then left again after a round of goodbyes with teammates current and former, and with the head of HR of our part of the company.

After tough weeks informing people not just from our part of the company but also the parent company, of the details of their layoff 'package,' or perhaps just physically exhausted from her volleyball games, this usually quite spry and ebullient amateur basketball player was slumped at a picnic table, cigarette in hand, looking tired. She's on holiday this next week.

On Thursday I was in a terrible meeting with my direct manager and two client-facing colleagues and my American manager teammate. Everyone except my teammate proposed that we would basically refuse service to many clients during Black Friday shopping season. This went strongly against my professional ethics. Besides I don't want to keep being stuck in strategic meetings when I could actually be handling our Black Friday season workload. And it made me worry that my relationship with colleagues might be souring.

I had a headache after that meeting. Besides I've been so shocked still by the lay-offs, so overburdened by work, worried about the effects on my looming performance review of my disagreements with my direct manager while at the same time angry about the positions I'm being put in, and so unable to sleep without dreaming about the job, that I was in no condition to make any decisions. But now that so many impulsive decisions were being proposed about fundamental aspects of my team's work, I felt that I was trapped into not being able to take holidays for the foreseeable future.

My mother had gone shopping earlier that day, and had kindly offered that I could have some of the chocolate that she usually buys for guests. Seeing how deeply stressed I was by the end of the day, she amended that to, 'All right, never mind — take all the chocolate you want!' My sister came over to visit and we had a vigorous debate until midnight or thereabouts, and then chatted as a family until after 1 a.m.

On Friday I went into work again because I wanted to repay the teammate (partly), help out with work for a difficult client, and see someone in person who'd wanted to see me in person. The 9 km commute with my heavy laptop was exhausting again, and I barely got any work done again, but it was nice being in the office with the team and my sister. Besides I had a good, air-clearing conversation with my direct manager, who also feels that too much is going on considering that we're still supposed to be given time to recover from the layoffs.

At the end of the day, when almost everyone had left except for M., who was busily clearing up the dirty dishes from a massive cake eating event, I put leftover cake into a doughnut carton to take home, and then T. and I cycled off together. (Another 12 km, but it was enjoyable until the last hill or two.)

In short, even though there were many good bits to the week, I think there was a lot of what I'd qualify as low-level psychological tormenting. Also, a lot of colleagues were out sick and 'out sick' (i.e. sick from stress, I imagine) once more. I'm beginning to be in the mood for crusading wildly for the rights of us workers again.

Sunday, September 11, 2022

Postage Stamps and Travellers (and 1975)

It's been a good weekend, where I'm picking up more of my hobbies again.

The macramé bag I was trying to make to celebrate the 70s in my historical experiment has ended in disaster, as I find that two strings that are needed for the next step are missing. Now I need to undo the knots and figure out what caused it.

Yesterday evening I tidied up my old stamp collection. I'd worked with it intensively as a 13- or 14-year old but not much since. Although my grandfather Opa before he died, my uncle M., my Greek teammate, and my sister's and my French teacher have all contributed stamps at various times. There's a big gap in my stamp albums roughly between New Zealand and Sweden, which means that the two Spanish stamps and one Portuguese stamp are in limbo until I make or buy another album. The Canadian postage stamps are beautiful, so it was a pleasure sorting through the loose ones I haven't put into any book yet. It was funny to get back into practice; certain tricks of how to slip stamps back into the album folds, and memories of the motifs on the stamps, came back to me immediately. I was also surprised how many countries were represented: Ireland, Liechtenstein, Nigeria, and Zimbabwe amongst them.

It was also bittersweet sorting through the British penny stamps with their portraits of Queen Elizabeth II. I've been trying to think how best to pay tribute to her while making clear I didn't know the lady personally. I guess that throughout my Canadian schooling she was a grandmotherly figure of sorts. Besides I've appreciated that she rarely expressed opinions in public, being equally polite to visitors whose politics and personal conduct she liked, and those whose politics and personal conduct she abhorred. If she had been amoral or indifferent, it would have had no merit; but as it is, I think that this neutrality was one of her biggest sacrifices to her role. It is part of the ethos of public service to which former heads of state like David Cameron, Kevin Rudd and others have paid tribute.

Aside from reading another half page or so of Teilhard de Chardin, I barely marked the year 1975 of my historical experiment very much. It feels a little disrespectful to do too much playacting right after the layoffs and I guess I've simply been too exhausted. But next week I intend to pick it up again more fully, as it really should be beneficial for my mental health.

Lately I've also played the piano more than usual: bits of Tchaikovsky's concerto, waltzes and other ragtime by Scott Joplin, an arrangement of 'La vie en rose,' a Rachmaninoff prelude, and even the entirety of the Bach-Busoni chaconne. As usual, going through a harrowing experience lends some richness and depth to musical interpretation, which is one of those uncomfortable artistic trade-offs.

Today my eldest and youngest brothers came back from a journey to our old hometown in Canada. They had gone hiking on hills and through forests, eaten fish and chips, bought cream-of-tartar and gummy worms for me, wandered through an exhibition about the ill-treatment of Japanese-Canadians during World War II, passed a horrible night due to a malfunctioning smoke detector in their hotel, seen a lizard and a 'beware of bear' sign and a rabbit, and so on and so forth. And this morning they landed back at Schönefeld Airport, where Ge. picked them up and ferried them to the family apartment. They looked sunburned and had clearly enjoyed their time.

A few hours later, my American teammate came over with her friend, and my siblings and I had an afternoon tea of sorts in our living room with them. It was lovely to see her in person again, and to chat at length, and to drink coffee and tea and eat pastries and potato chips together. She had brought along a print of Bulgarian folk dancers as a birthday present, which was very thoughtful!

When the guests had left, the siblings ordered in burgers, fries, and ribs, and we ate dinner together.

In the evening I also revisited the allotment gardens, which is where I still go to draw strength. They were very quiet. Apples were piled like green and red balls in a few baskets, and I took along some of them; the plums from yesterday had vanished. It is definitely growing dark earlier these days, brown plane and linden and maple (or sycamore) leaves were drifting along a bridge overpass, and a sense I guess of annual autumn 'saudade' has seized me these past two weeks.

To end on a more frivolous note, I finally tried a slice of the pickles I'd made from three cucumbers last week. Oversalted and a little sour, but altogether I thought they were better than expected!