The Oak Tree, The Holly, and Company

THOUGH given the last post, one might well expect to hear of one all too well-fed blogger, lying torpid, immobile and generally stretched out (like the boa constrictor in Swiss Family Robinson) in some less frequented corner of our apartment, I have in fact been reasonably much and well employed.

YESTERDAY afternoon uncle N. took the train back to his home, and the rest of the day was exceedingly quiet. I slept into the evening and feasted on turkey and chicken carcass, along with the remaining cranberry sauce; there is plenty of other food, too, so entering the kitchen is still like walking into an idyllic pays de Cocagne (or Schlaraffenland).

AMONG other things, I looked through the repository of writing on my laptop and found rather a lot of nice things, not only poems but also bits of screenplays and the like.

For one thing I wanted to concoct a musical for home performances based on Lord of the Rings; so I wrote a few rhymes to set to preexisting tunes. The fruits of the endeavour are below, and I hope it is all right that I am posting so much of it.

***

I'll sing a lay of the Shire-land
'Midst the calm rolling hillsides of Middle-Earth
Where all the view that one could command
Spoke of peace and of plenty — no sorrow; much mirth.

For hobbits are a tranquil folk,
Smallish and roundish and fond of a joke,
And near their green subterranean abodes
Not warfare nor danger have made much inroads.

*

Come, ye comrades, pluck your bow-strings,
Whet the blade of your dwarvish axe
Sing of hope until the wood rings,
For of hope the world now lacks.

Ride against the Eye of Mordor,
Ride against the fiendish orcs,
Ride against the goblins with ardour,
Ride 'gainst Sauron's evil works.

Come, ye comrades, swing your sword-blades
Big and small -- little hobbits, too,
So to fight the menace of the Ring-Lords
So to win our peace anew.

*

and:

Ring gently, o Elf-harp;
I bid thee to sing
Of elf-lore so old
Of our great elven-king,
When with his tall warriors
He went through the land
To counter the goblins
With his mighty band.
The sunshine was bright
Though the Mirkwood was deep
And sentries at nighttime
Made safe their sweet sleep;[*]
And one foggy morning
They made taut their bows
And with them they vanquished
Their fell mountain foes.

[A fairly direct quotation from "Away in a Manger," I think.]

***

PROBABLY after that effort had waned, I started this grumpy parody undertaking, with a reckless disregard for due rhyme and rhythm. Whether the fragments are intelligible to anyone who has not seen the film or read the books may well be doubted:

LORD OF THE RINGS
(Set to tunes of well-known Christmas carols)

ACT ONE

Scene One
Bilbo’s birthday party

Divers Hobbits: [To the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”]
"We wish you a happy birthday,
we wish you a happy birthday,
we wish you a happy birthday
and a happy eleventy-twelfth year.

"Good brewings we bring;
We love our drinking.
Let's toast to your birthday
and a happy eleventy-twelfth year!"

Speech, speech!

Bilbo: Thank you, thank you, my friends. This has been a memorable feast, and (he starts fumbling in his vest pocket) memorability has always been one of my favourite virtues, and I do enjoy your company . . . (Drat it, where is it?) . . . I have never been happier to be a hobbit living in this fine land of the Shire. Home, sweet home, and all that. . . . So, farewell, and . . . (He slips the ring on his finger and disappears. This can be represented by cloaking him in a black cloth and then making him exit the stage.)

Everyone in an uproar.

Frodo: Noooooo! (Sheds girly tears. Then finally has an idea, dignifiedly waves off the condolences of his neighbours, and prepares to leave the scene. Before he vanishes offstage, he pauses to say, sotto voce) If I know Bilbo well, this may just be another adventure of his. I shall head home and see if he has left a note behind.

Scene Two

In the hobbit-hole. Bilbo is stuffing his belongings into a bindle. Frodo enters, sees him, then fixes a look of reproach on him.

Frodo: [To the tune of "What Child is This?"]
Alas, dear Bilbo, you do me wrong
By thus discourteously vanishing.
You made me cry; I don't know why;
I had rather not do that again.

Bilbo: Shush, Frodo; it's no big deal
I'm bored and tired; I need a trip
Out into the world beyond
The Shire, which makes me sick.

*

Gandalf: (knocks on door, then opens it and strides in with bent head because of the low ceiling.) [To the tune of "Joy to the World"]
Joy to the world!
So you're not dead
As everyone has said!
I never thought you'd really croaked
But still I am a bit provoked
That you made me quite sad
Till I knew that we'd been had;
What is it that you have really been about?

Why, what's this ring?

Bilbo: Oh, that old thing.

****

["Little Drummer Boy":]

Legolas:
I have a bow to bring
pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Gimli:
And I have an axe to swing
pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.
etc.

["Holy Night":]

Gollum:
Oh, precious ring
Your flanks are brightly shining,
You are the ring of my dear Sauron-lord . . .

*

["The Holly and the Ivy"]

The oak tree and the holly
When they are really mad
Go stampeding off to find Saruman
And to trample down his home.

["Up on the Housetop"]

Out at the seashore the big ships pause,
Out jumps good old Aragorn
With a large army of vicious ghouls
Hewing and hacking the hapless orcs.

Ho, ho, ho, look at them go,
Ho, ho, ho, look at them go,
Hewing and hacking, quick, quick, quick;
Don’t watch the corpses or you’ll be sick.

*

["I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In"]

Sam:

I saw a ship come sailing in
Just yesterday, just yesterday;
I saw a ship come sailing in
Just yesterday in the morning.

Oh why is Frodo stepping in
And looking sad, and looking sad;
Oh why is Frodo stepping in
So early in the morning?

He’s going off to paradise
or some Tolkeinish equivalent
He’s going off to paradise
or what the heck in the morning.

Oh why, oh why, can’t you stay here
Oh Frodo, dear, oh Frodo, dear;
Oh why, oh why, can’t you stay here
Oh Frodo, dear, this morning?

Frodo:
I’m bored of life, it makes me ill;
Good luck to you, goodbye to you.
I’m bored of life, I’ve had my fill;
Goodbye to you this morning.

Sam:
At least the elves are with you now,
Oh Frodo, dear, oh Frodo, dear
And Galadriel and Celeborn and–
Nooooo! What a terrible morning.

Everyone:

No fear; we do not give a darn,
Oh Sam, m'dear, oh Sam m'dear
Good luck with wife and kids and such
Good rid. . . – we mean, have a good morning.

THE END