In Search of Lost Time: (Pre-)Revolutionary France

After watching a video on techniques for motivating one's self to do what one would like to do in life, taking precise steps, I decided that what I want to do is to make advances toward writing my long-expected French Revolution story. It will be just for myself; I don't want to publicize a distorted or inaccurate version of history, and instead respect the truth. It might also be a way of working through the coronavirus crisis in parallel: following another topsy-turvy development in history.

The approach I am still taking is the one I took to university essays during the last two years, which is to keep researching and researching, and note-taking and note-taking, until something crystallizes. Plot, characters, setting — all of this must be inspired in the course of gathering subject matter.

Besides I want to write a historical setting with a well-rounded overview of what is going on, more than any one person could have in reality — a heightened reality, as it were. Even though I am living in the present, for instance, there are wheels within wheels of what is happening that I am not privy to. In the context of this story, I could do the 18th century French equivalent of flying into the Chancellor's office and listening to her conversations with German state ministers or with foreign leaders about policy.

Conversely, a French statesman in 1789 likely had little idea of the life of a farmer in one of the remote provinces, so a novelist would need to mend that gap. I think it would still be difficult to have the insight into the Third Estate nowadays, because the historical record is not full of 18th-century French farmers' diaries. I have often thought that it might be easier to approach that reality by reading memoirs and reporting written by people who live in countries with a huge gap between rich and poor in the modern day. At least I presume that social mobility is easier now than then, in most countries, so these records would be easier to find for the present day.

But perhaps I am trying to impose logic and integral order that did not exist in pre- and Revolutionary France: maybe the people of France were no connected dots, instead overlapping spheres of individual feeling and action.

The experience of attempting to research, and reflections about 'leadership' because of my experience in the company I work for (it is incredibly hard even to 'lead' ten people, and as such I have no idea how one would lead a country of millions), have made me determined not to write of the aristocracy. It is not a milieu I have germane life experience about.

The material for my research has also changed. Researching the archives of the French National Library, as I did over the past 3 years, was interesting. But it was also stultifying, insofar as there were mostly high-level, official documents or speeches. They did not give a detailed idea of the situation on the ground.

Therefore the approach I have taken this month is to find little French museums that describe their exhibits on their websites. (Although this has left me with the guilty feeling that I need to support local museums more; many websites are now out of service or minimalist. And of course all of the websites that do exist have messages affirming that the museums are shut due to the coronavirus.) This has been surprisingly rewarding; even a throwaway sentence in the caption for a painting or a document offers little insights that are widely illuminating.

I have also set up new spreadsheets. In one spreadsheet, I am tracking social-historical context that would have informed a French and particularly Breton person's worldview in the 1780s and 90s: dishes, local factories, clothing, military organization, etc. In another, the biographies of French people in the 18th century, arranged by last name and labelled by estate (aristocracy, clergy, populace), field of work, etc. In another, a year-by-year, month-by-month chronology of what happened in France and overseas from around 1760 to 1790.

Besides I have calendars for each year from 1789 through to 1793, and I add events to them along with the URLs where I found the information.

Along the way I am learning about American history during the War of Independence, and World War I through a museum that concentrates on French-American relations. I am also becoming aware that it is impossible to write of 18th century French trade and wealth without broaching the subject of slavery, since it was evidently still going strong and there seem to be fine initiatives investigating this being conducted by French museums today. Looking at 18th-century sketches of plantations, for example, with the fields and the workers' huts, is kind of revolting now; but it was apparently a 'normal' part of business back then.

The research is rewarding, as mentioned; but it is exhausting whenever my curiosity fizzles on a subject, and I mechanically keep recording information to keep up the system.

Yesterday, by way of relaxation, I gave myself a treat by watching a documentary about Marie Antoinette on the website of the Franco-German cultural television channel Arte. It was not comprehensive — Stefan Zweig's biography goes far deeper, for example — but it was helpful to visualize her haunts at the Petit Trianon and it supplied much food for thought. For example, I think it was arguing that Marie Antoinette had sympathetic and sane impulses (like a desire for privacy and simplicity) in what was, from a modern perspective, an insane social environment; but she was not careful or reflective in how she carried them out.

In the Dusk of Spring/Summer Social Distancing?

Theoretically I wanted to go back to work in the office next week. But after receiving many requests for a catered office lunch next week, which implied that many of us would be doing so, the head of the company's human resources 'pulled the emergency brake.' She told us that Berlin's anti-coronavirus measures had still not been suspended, and that only half of each team should be showing up to work, at most.

So I am spending at least another week in the home office. I feel sure that being amongst the colleagues again would have been marvellous. Also, getting out of the house every week day would have been good. But I feel guiltily pleased too.

I will not need to commute yet. And I will be able to spend more time around my brothers and mother, eat all my meals in comfort, tidy things during the lunch break and after work instead of feeling too exhausted to do anything, play the piano or ukulele or violin whenever I feel like it, wear my most comfortable socks and my training pants and my worn-out clothing that I don't want to throw out yet because it feels wasteful, hum songs at my laptop, take relaxing baths and light a candle and knit if I like, exercise freely, and spend more time exploring the home library.

Not that I have huge amounts of time for this either. But the extra hour per day adds up over time; and I find eventually that I have a big smile on my face, because I've had peace to do something that has been more or less impossible for the busy past four years, except around Christmas.

Long Notes about 20th Century Literature and 21st Century Prejudice

Today, after inhabiting a long black hoodie and a green corduroy skirt I've worn since I was thirteen years old for a few days on end, and spending the last two days immersed in an audiobook of Pride and Prejudice and Other Flavors, I took a lovely shower and went outside!

After realizing that my anxiety lately has been having ill effects on my work, I've been reading and experimenting a little. While breathing deeply and regularly for three minutes works, I've also had success with other 'slow' activities, like the piano.

But I also have been dosing myself with audiobooks that have an accessible writing style and a guaranteed happy ending. I can immerse myself in these for hours and tune out all duties and responsibilities, and think or feel my way into a more relaxed rhythm. These are maybe the best way I've found to calm down.

As far as this Pride and Prejudice retelling (from the year 2019) goes, which is set in California and has as its main characters the neurosurgeon daughter of an Indian-American royal dynasty and a cook who grew up in London, it has 'sweep,' which I like.

But I do think that the rapport between the main characters falls short of the romantic, so that pairing them up is as awkward as if a child were smushing the faces of its dolls together. And the political career of the heroine's brother felt more interesting than many other threads of the story. While there is a great deal of discussion about what one does not enjoy in politicians, idealized portraits of politicians are quite rare. (Except in disaster films and thrillers where the fictional US President bravely faces the worldwide tornadoes, interplanetary asteroids, or the freezing of half the hemisphere.)

And with this author I am always interested in how she 'dresses up reality'; there is soap opera panache in her plots and characterization.

Her characterization and details are not entirely surefooted, but she has clearly done volumes of research.

What I also like is that, unlike the dramatic malfeasance of a Hollywood film — although in Sonali Dev's book the malfeasance is dramatic, it is also nice (for lack of a better word) to encounter a truly villainous character who word-poisons people, in a book where this character ends up not getting his or her way. I've mentioned before how brilliant I think that Jane Austen's character of Mrs. Norris is, and that I think we need more villains like her.

Aside from audiobooks, I have been trying to 'tempt' myself to pick up paper books by reading the first paragraphs of books on the bookshelf. Right now a lot of these happen to be 20th century classics, some of those from our Aunt Nora or possibly from her mother, and some of those books from my father and aunt.

The first book I picked up is Tender is the Night, and I think — but didn't get far enough into it to know for sure — that this is a book where people are too amoral for them to be villainous in any fictionally-satisfying way. If they 'word-poison' people, that's just a fact of life.

(As a semi-hermit, I can say with a slightly lower risk of hypocrisy, that where people talk far more than they think, read, or self-reflect — and have few grains of philosophy or religious ethics to nourish them — I think there's a tendency to feel that the duty to be moral lies in being willing to criticize misdeeds in others. Because there may be no mention of the Bible about it, it may be felt not to be sententious or preachy; but I think in a way it's just the same thing that many self-identified Christians were doing when it was more fashionable to be Christian: someone always wants to be the gatekeeper of society's mores, in a way that's the most convenient for one's self. Needless to say, I believe this interpretation of ethics is neither philosophically nor ethically valuable. And it makes it far easier to assume the worst of each other, because then we feel that we are 'off the hook' and don't need to behave well ourselves. I think that this semi-amorality exists far more than undiluted amorality.)

That said, Tender is the Night was written in a lovely style, so I had qualms about putting it down.

Then I moved on to Ernest Hemingway, after having favourable recollections of The Old Man and the Sea (in Opapa's collection, I think) and another work.

But I found the first page of Death in the Afternoon nasty. I read a page of The Sun Also Rises next — and saw a 'joke' about Jewish noses. I decided that I should not force myself to read anti-Semitic tripe for leisure; if I ever wanted to research the early 20th century or something like that, maybe then, but I will postpone the evil day. So Ernest Hemingway was out.

Then I read a few articles about D.H. Lawrence in a college student's critical edition. I imagine that Lawrence in the syllabus was a more popular tool to épater les bourgeois in the 1970s than it is now; at any rate, unlike my parents' generation because it looks as if one of my father's housemates and my aunt had to read him for class, I never encountered him on a university syllabus except for one or two of his poems.

While his books are famously 'not safe for work,' I read about him mostly in the context of Bertrand Russell's autobiography. That reading was ~17 years ago. But what I recall from Russell's characterization — I think they were forced into an uneasy alliance because both were not in favour of the war, for different reasons, and they were at times the only people who would still talk to each other — is that he was an amoral fish who was not nice toward women, not warm in any of his relationships, and indifferent to national loyalty or national welfare in equal measure. Perhaps this is unfair.

Anyway, I was interested that in the British periodical Athenaeum and elsewhere, Lawrence's contemporaries generally found him ingenious, but unsound in his psychological theories and far too fond of explicit scenes. Their criticism grew even fiercer during World War I because his wife was a German woman. (I think that anyone who knows anything about D.H. Lawrence will already know this, but I wanted to repeat it anyway.) Lawrence roamed around the world after a while and may have had greater unaccountability elsewhere.

A year or so ago, I watched a Lucy Worsley television show about love in British literature, and I liked the way she contextualized Lady Chatterley's Lover. I guess this is still Lawrence's most important work? I've read critiques of several films that have appeared over the years, and there must have been articles on the anniversary of Lawrence's libel trial.

That said, I am never too fond of stories where individual people (even fictional people) are seen as avatars of an idea or of a thing one desires for one's self. And it has seemed to me like this novel does tend to 'fetishize' (for lack of another word) upstairs-downstairs relationships. So just like the rest of D.H. Lawrence's works outside of one or two poems, I think I will leave Lady Chatterley's Lover unread.

In the end I landed with Letters From an English Judge to an English Gentlewoman. Even before reading it on the internet, I was pretty sure that these letters were not genuine, but in fact written by the 'English Gentlewoman' herself. They're written maybe a decade or two before Indian independence, so in the 1930s, and they are extremely well-meaning — about social hierarchy in Anglo-India and about the perfidy of racism. They also mention a lot of local details of the houses etc.

***

But lastly, I said that I had gone outside.

So the details: my mother went per bicycle to a nearby park, my brother and I jogged part of the way and walked the rest. The horse chestnuts have been in flower and are now shedding dry debris on the paths, the purple lilacs fragrant, and iris spears rising from the flower beds like Myrmidons. Pink and white rhododendrons were either clad in their flower frock already, or on the way there; and the graceful columbines, with their blossoms like cupolas, are out in pink and purple. The May lilies are ringing their bells in the dips beneath trees. Late daffodils, grape hyacinths, hyacinths in white and pale blue and pink, and even a spindly species of snowdrops, are still flowering. And blood-red tulip flower petals were languishing on their stalks in Roman decadence.

While strips of white and red banded plastic hang from playgrounds here and there, these are now open to the public again; and ping pong tables, tennis tables, teeter totters, etc., resounded once more with the clamour of vox populi. What I enjoyed less — seeing the closed playgrounds caused me to ache a little every time I saw it, so I was really happy to see that the need for that had lessened — was the three or more medical masks that had been abandoned on the sidewalks.

This synopsis doesn't even capture a fraction of what we saw. But suffice it to say that it was summery — despite the clouds that drifted overhead; there is a welcome front of rainy weather that has been reviving the barren terrain of Berlin and Brandenburg, and reducing the forest fire danger, for the past few days.

An Unremarkable Day in Virusy Times

Today I had no scheduled work meetings, aside from the 15-minute meetings that take place anyway. As my mother witnessed, I literally did a 'happy dance' when I looked at my calendar yesterday evening and saw that.

(After missing an important meeting two years ago, I asked one of the managers for advice. He said that he checks his calendar last thing in the evening, to see which meetings are scheduled the next day. His advice has been so helpful that I've kept following it.)

But many surprise tasks and questions came up. So even without the meetings, I was quite absorbed and absent-minded, and had to take pains to make sure that I kept up with developments in my team and others.

For lunch I put on a pot of potatoes to boil, and later stirred together yoghurt with chopped onion, salt, and cracked black peppercorns — although the melted butter that I had with part of the potatoes was even nicer.

Then Ge. came home and went grocery-shopping with his red mask, obeying the anti-coronavirus measures that have been ordered by Berlin's city government since yesterday.

Now we have a greater variety of food to eat again; I've been culpably reluctant to drag myself around to the grocery store, and had begun to 'scrape the bottom of the barrel' when deciding what to make.

Ge. also fried an omelette for us, and he and Mama and I took turns boiling water to make a kind of grain coffee throughout the day.

Also, I broke off work earlier, at 6:15 p.m. — the day began before 9 a.m., so it was fair. Then I exercised and read in a paper book until the Berlin city evening news began, when I dashed back to the living room and listened to the TV news. At the same time I finished up the last daily tasks for work.

After hours, I've been listening to an audiobook and doing language exercises on Duolingo after neglecting it for months. Right now I'm focused on Swedish and Turkish.

Under-Sense and Over-Sensibility

It's late at night and I'll hopefully go to sleep soon.

The week has been like a merry-go-round of continuing activity. Aside from a heavier schedule of work, I overdid the exercise and underdid the eating so that the analogy is even more apt in that I've been spit, also physically, exhausted and half-nauseated into the weekend.

Today a few colleagues and I also concluded what were hopefully the last phases of a debate about principles and company-wide interests at work. My conscience hadn't left me alone until I rushed into a fray that I'd rather have avoided.

And mentally I am still spinning in circles like a caffeinated squirrel. It is also a bit depressing to realize — in the middle of writing answers to questions at work — that I've written error-filled and irrelevant stuff; maybe I really do need to build in more pauses.

But that's the glum view of things.

Then in the evening I read up on the U.S. President's views on the possibilities of the internal use of disinfectants in fighting viruses, which were not reassuring. Even if he later claimed — a claim that appeared in no wise supported by the video footage that I watched with my own lying eyes and lying ears — that it was 'sarcasm.'

Then I found that Twitter threw me into another 'anxiety spiral'. So although I am curious how other Republicans are reacting to his pearls of wisdom, it didn't appear wise to check it.

I've been catching up on YouTube subscription videos that had gathered unwatched for the past three months, on classic literature and home cooking and baking. Besides I have written two emails this evening, neither of which were in English so there was more head-scratching than usual.

The wind is wuthering, I think — the Brontës might disagree that this wind sound is what they heard — and rattling the windowpanes every now and then. It's a restless sound and a restless feeling, after the sun-soaked idyll of the past days. But let's hope that it's a wind like the one in the Dick van Dyke and Julie Andrews film version of Mary Poppins, and if we must interpret it subjectively and unscientifically as a sign, it may be a sign that a change is coming, but a good one.

A colleague is reading Sense and Sensibility, and perhaps it is time to immerse myself in something soothing and subtly critical like that too. The Marianne Dashwood within me is likely too strong and I must swing over nearer the spirit of Elinor.

The Lamb of March and Lion of April

Today has been mixed.

To begin with the harder stuff, the Berlin evening news had a segment about the postponement of burials and funeral services due to the coronavirus crisis. They showed film of a recent interment and the sight brought back recollections of my father's funeral.

I've been meaning since 2017 to go to the graveyard where the funeral took place and to begin to think of it as just another graveyard again. But I need to have someone who did not know Papa, to go with me to help me keep up a stoic façade. I feel I can remember every detail — what I wore, how many people were in the bus, the trees, each flower that we cast into the hole for the urn — of the day of Papa's funeral. It is too fresh.

Maybe in 2019, I almost had a mini-panic attack when my colleagues and I were on a weekend walk and we passed a graveyard that looked like it. I told myself to breathe, in and out; and reminded myself that we were in a different part of the city; and I don't think any colleague saw that anything was wrong.

So I find it hardly bearable to think how much worse burying a loved one is, under the present conditions (the number of attendees limited to ten, not being able to hug people, having ceremonies postponed indefinitely due to virus-related understaffing), for other families.

Then the newscast mentioned that a neurologist and 30-year partner of our former mayor, Klaus Wowereit, had just died at 54 from the effects of a Covid-19 infection. And then, of course, the death by suicide of the finance minister of one of Germany's states, due in part to the pressure of trying to figure out how to rescue the state's economy.

Fortunately there were also cheerful parts of the newscast, and the weather.

But there were good experiences today, too. It hailed a little, white pearls that could almost have been shaken from the blossoming trees; the breeze stirred the budded twigs and whirled the hail; and little snowflakes streamed through the sky and one of them — like the song from The Sound of Music — stayed on my nose.

In the afternoon, Ge. and I jogged to a park. I never feel like I can run or jog for longer periods without a long warm-up first, but today it worked. He is a nice person to jog with; despite his longer legs he went at a gentler pace for me. He also demonstrates the 'social distancing' well, planning where we run so that we wouldn't come too close to others, and slowing down his pace nearly to a standstill when we had to accommodate walkers.

In the park there were the plane trees, whose wintry trunks seemed to say that they had seen war and peace for over a century, and yet they were there still. I felt tempted once or twice to pat them. And we heard a woodpecker in the distance.

But the loveliest part was a bridge, which was renovated perhaps last year and now gleams very brightly. A dense dark grey cloud banded overheard, behind the tan-brown clock tower of the Schöneberg City Hall. Sunlight poured out from behind us. The tasseled twigs of a willow were ochre almost turning into pale spring green in front.

And everywhere, running and walking and cycling and pushing children's strollers through the deeply green lawns, with dark-blue-veined chionodoxa hidden in the margins, there were people who were numerously but safely turning to Nature for cheer and help, at a time of benign but sustained imprisonment.

A Stroll in the Park and Little Ghosts

In more cheerful news, after only going out once each the past Thursday mornings to go grocery-shopping in the organic food store across the street — it is almost empty at that time, with four staff distributed over it and maybe up to three shoppers in the whole store, so the hypochondriac in me could hardly have been happier —, I finally went outside for a frivolous, selfish, healthy walk this morning.

It was quiet and there was an early morning feel although it was past 9 a.m., the birds were cheeping and whirring, the number of pedestrians was low and the vehicular traffic is much sparser this week compared to the beginning of last week. In preference to pressing pedestrian crossing buttons, I have to confess that now I sometimes just amble across the street because there are no moving cars nearby. A police car rolled along the street and I wondered if they were checking for social distancing guideline adherence.

(In the past two weeks, I also saw police cars patrolling to make sure that the restaurants observed the then-6 p.m. curfew. Now, of course, it's forbidden to sit down in an eating establishment; one must order to-go, and the chairs are stacked inverted on the tables. There is a daily update about social distancing infractions on the Berlin city government's website and in the Berlin evening news, which mentioned 40 infractions yesterday.)

On March 17th, the last time I'd been on a proper walk, it had been a surprise to me that cinemas etc. were closed and dark without any signage whatsoever, except one piece of paper in a poster vitrine that promised 'Wir sind bald wieder für Sie da.' They were shut down too quickly and it was too unclear when they could reopen. But now shops are prepared.

And on the elaborately carved 19th-century door of a residential apartment building, I saw a sign that promised help and offered phone numbers to anyone who wished someone else to go shopping on their behalf. This kind of initiative is often being taken for Berliners with preexisting medical conditions.

Then, after 'checking in' on familiar shops on my block to see which ones were open and which weren't, I decided to enjoy my freedom and try to regain a feeling of normality by going to one of my favourite walking destinations. And soon I reached Viktoriapark in Kreuzberg and walked briskly up to the pinnacle in the centre.

Of course the city panorama reminded me dimly of Wordsworth's view of London:

This City now doth, like a garment, wear

The beauty of the morning; silent, bare,

Ships, towers, domes, theatres and temples lie

Open unto the fields, and to the sky;

All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.*

Synagogues, churches, mosques; industrial brick buildings from the Wilhelminian epoch and building cranes and the Sony Centre at Potsdamer Platz; the TV Tower; tree-lined streets and the renovated façades of Kreuzberg apartment buildings along the streets named after places and generals of the Napoleonic Wars. All of these were half-immersed in a blue-grey morning haze.

Red and white tape was hung across the children's play areas. And since yesterday or the day before, it's been forbidden to sit down on the grass, and sitting on benches is only recommended for short periods.

I was one of three people who had surmounted the veined pale stone steps to the enclosure surrounding the pinnacle. Around the pinnacle itself, there was an even more silent host of beer bottles from the bacchanalian nighttime revels of neighbourhood ne'er-do-wells, standing dispersed around the steps.

And at the foot of this enclosure, a man in his forties or fifties had his little portable wheeled suitcase ('Hackenporsche' in German; I'm bad at thinking of the English-language equivalent) with him as he pottered around the waterfall, beyond the wooden fence.

But what I loved were the signs of spring. Green leaves appearing more fully formed, like salmon 'alevins' becoming recognizable fry, narcissus — always yellow and perfect large stars, fragrant hyacinths in white that had blossomed so far that they had toppled and were beginning to wither at the edges of their petals, annual golden cowslips or primroses, and violets in white that were (I thought) more funereal-looking. Little ghosts at the foot of a large tree.

After I was warmed up, I jogged for a minute or two on the way home, feeling healthy and strong and hopeful again.

* "Composed upon Westminster Bridge, September 3, 1802" [Wikipedia]

Reading a Shakespeare Sonnet on Waves and Eternity Beyond

Shakespeare's sonnets formed part of my 'emo' teenager phase, maybe not so much the sprightlier 'darling buds of May' sonnets but the ones about aging and dying.

Now the sonnets are coming to mind again, given the heightened death rates that are reported as a consequence of the coronavirus, and the grim pictures of military trucks carrying corpses in northern Italy.

It is probably still a little 'emo' to feel that the verses are apt when I'm just reading depressing news about deaths, like millions of other people have since script was first invented, not staring at the Reaper eye-to-eye.

But I guess it's fair to take comfort where one can find it.

Please forgive the crude undergraduate analysis, in advance.

***

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crown'd,
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And Time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow,
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow:

And yet to times in hope, my verse shall stand.
Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.

***

I like the first lines because they express very well, I think, the feeling of the benign and friendly passing of time when one is not in the middle of a personal storm.

As a teenager I spent hours walking beside the ocean and hearing the lapping of the waves, which do of course have a rhythm like the second hand of a clock. Then at rare moments, seeing the waves crashing high onto the concrete breakwaters with an arctically cold wind whistling behind.

And I like the abstracted ideas that the waves are heading somewhere; that there is an 'aim'; and that they are engaged with each other as if they were colleagues or comrades.

These are comforting thoughts.

But I don't think Shakespeare delves deeply enough — cheeky though it is for me to write this — when he portrays the worst spectre of old age as losing the beauty of youth.

I should think that being more vulnerable to mental and physical illness, losing the ability or permission to carry on one's life's work, or seeing loved ones die before their time, is worse.

And age is not always cruel. I am far happier now than I was when I was a teenager, although admittedly it's too early to tell if the worm will turn. Also, looking at others: for example I think that a lifetime of tough experiences can make characters especially loving and beloved as they become older.

Age has become a large topic with the coronavirus, although perhaps gradually less so as it becomes clear that even twenty-year-olds who are otherwise healthy may become critically ill. And I'd have to reiterate that greater statistical likelihood of death should by no means devalue the worth of a human being. Perhaps I'm biased by knowing wonderful people who were well over sixty: there are many people who, at a hundred years of age, have far more left to contribute to the world than I do.

Anyway, the last two lines of the sonnet I find a bit obnoxious — even though I like the feeling that underlies them of being determined not to forget the dead —, because writers (or first-person narrators?) rarely manage to bestow immortality as much as they think they do. Taking, again, a religious standpoint; and borrowing a few metaphors from Antony and Cleopatra; I would say that the good that men do lives after them, in an abstracter form, and gradually the bad is interred with their bones. No need for human intervention.

___
Text of the sonnet taken from Shakespeare's Sonnets, ed. William J. Rolfe (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1883), at Wikisource.

Mini-Quarantines and Mini-Ethics

It's the end of the second week of staying at home in order not to spread the coronavirus. I've been managing to sleep longer.

From a logical perspective I know that this crisis is small peas in even recent history. Also, the things that worry and disorientate me the most are signs that proper action is being taken; not of problems per se.

But because of the technological demands of switching to the home office, tasks have piled up at work and I have been putting in work on Saturdays the past two weeks.

Rather having more time to read or do housework or do other things, I have been working as much as ever, and it is definitely weird to do it at home.

It is only now, because a few urgent work tasks were tackled and I have reemerged from the first state of archetypal fight-or-flight reaction, I am beginning to realize how not all right I have been, emotionally. I think that admitting the problem is good; admittedly I'm not quite sure how to proceed from here.

Having familiar routines interrupted still seems to be traumatizing for me; and I still don't know how to handle the reversal of stimuli — the pull of the sunshine and the green spring versus the rational need to stay indoors, the wish to comfort-eat versus the shortfalls in the grocery store stocks, etc.

That said, a billion other people or more on Earth are in the same boat; I just don't want to generalize on everyone else's behalf.

Because of my anxiety I haven't been able to properly think out the broader ramifications, especially the philosophical or (in my case) specifically religious ones. From what I heard in the news yesterday, the Pope called the coronavirus crisis a punishment from God for sins like ignoring the poor and the needs of the earth. I did not find this especially inspiring.

My armchair analysis is different:

To my (hopefully not too Leibnizian) eyes: like all things, the coronavirus brings with it good and evil. This good and evil are unequally scattered now, but will in the due course of time be balanced out and resolved for the good.

Much of this will wash over us without our being able to influence much; but a portion of its effect is up to us to determine. And yet, although I am trying to become a marginally better person through this interesting experience, I have felt cornered, panicked and not nice or noble at all.

That said, I think that many secular or theological analyses are likely to be better than mine!

A Snapshot in the Age of Coronavirus

It feels as if events are happening too quickly to process them.

A week ago I'd have thought it was absurd to stay home from work, even as I washed my hands when necessary until the skin was cracked and bleeding, and tried to figure out how skin lotion could be applied antiseptically.

Now I'm working from home after weeks of debating with colleagues about the office's policy against remote work. I can't emphasize enough how bizarre this feels.

The roads below the room where I'm working are maybe a third more empty than usual — Sunday morning levels of traffic except at rush hour. With each pedestrian and cyclist whom I see I always wonder, are they really being prudent? Car music sounds louder, bird song easier to hear, the air I think a little lighter and less particle-filled, and brawling voices on the sidewalk permeate the windows more easily as do the buses and the ambulance sirens.

Going out to the grocery store does not appeal, normal though it may seem at every other time.

Firstly, I'd need to think out how to do it while keeping at a proper distance from others.

Secondly, I'm worried about seeing a William Hogarth-like picture of cupidity and greed in a city I'd felt happy in and proud of until Monday.

On Monday evening I went into the familiar chain store underneath my office. The leafy vegetables were largely vanished (lots of tomatoes remained), table sugar and flour gone, baked goods bins decimated. In the aisle that holds hygiene products, half of the shelves were bare and had paper signs taped to them that announced that supplies had temporarily run out.

At the cash register, the atmosphere was anxiety mixed with boisterousness.

Everyone was in a hurry, or in a state of giddy frivolity that made me angry, e.g. planning to buy lots of beer to drink with pals. The cashier was calm enough on the outside. But the way she was hyperaware of the indeed perturbing, loud roaring of a man near the drugstore on the other side of the street, revealed that her nerves, too, were on edge.

Later on, once I'd left the store, I almost cried because I felt that the crisis-management-by-consumption was so degrading and now began to find it sad. Then I walked home for two hours to avoid public transit.

It's strict and yet a little weak-spirited of me, but I don't want to see those grocery scenes again.

Anyway, the best consolation I've found — aside from fluffy and harmless distractions I find, and jokes — is the levelheadedness of people I know personally and of many people whom I don't, and especially the companionship of the people I like best. (Although Papa is missing.)

What I'm still trying to figure out is my duty to others, aside from staying home and not becoming a carrier of the virus. Maybe I'll also be able to sleep properly again. Lately I've been anxious enough to wake up even before 7 a.m.

February, Flowers, and Easy Programming

Three weeks ago, one of my superiors at work kindly helped me sign up for an SQL (structured query language) at Coursera, an online university. Since then, I've been watching videos, practicing new techniques, and reading supplementary articles and even skimming a few academic papers; and it's both absorbing and rewarding although I doubt I could have gotten much out of it if it weren't so pertinent to the workplace.

Fortunately I already knew a lot of SQL that my sister had inculcated into me, by precept or by example, over the past 3.5 years. The methods of reorganizing tables of information by using a cross/Cartesian join, self join, outer join, or right join are confusing me, however. And when the readings refer to SQL in relationship to the programming languages R and Python, the explanations are wasted on me entirely.

It has confirmed my opinion that university — lovely as it is for others — is not for me except as an appendage to my working life. If I am not really enjoying the courses and absorbing information easily, and if the effort expended into it has no immediate, real-life application for me, I simply don't have a sense of purpose.

But despite my reservations about academia, it's incredible how much easier it is to learn something in a work or university setting when I'm used to the heavy friction and resistance of trying to learn things on my own.

Anyway, the course leads to my staying 15-60+ minutes longer at work per day than I otherwise would. So I have had less sleep than customary, and arrived quite late to work twice or so this week, and my slight tendency to anaemia has struck again.

Other things are going on too: Last weekend I threw a party for two work teams. It turned into such a wonderful evening — thanks to the guests, and the snug setting of the Corner Room and the kitchen, and admittedly also the way that it accidentally turned into a chance to play the piano and pick up the violin again (although this sounds selfish, and probably is) — that I felt amply rewarded for the effort.

The week before that I had a cold, which I had to respect (so to speak) because it made me a bit wobbly — I took half a day off work to sleep in and regain strength — but which was otherwise the mildest and most agreeable cold I've ever had.

As for spring, the florists are full of pussy willows, prunus branches, primroses, cowslips, grape hyacinths, hyacinth bulbs, narcissus (generally the small-flowered ones that come in tight clumps), tulip bunches, and pansies. I bought a few native English species for the party, and it was so nice to have an excuse to put a yellow primrose, willow and cherry branches, a pot of ivy, and a fern around the apartment.

Returning outdoors, I spotted a snowdrop blossom a long time ago, in December. Now there is a yellow crocus — only in the bud, and a little collapsed — near work. Long catkins are streaming from the Turkish filberts and from other shrubs and trees in the hazelnut genre.

The rose bushes seem to be spending the winter remarkably well. A few weak rose flowers in roadside plantings remind me of Beauty and the Beast, because they persist in such an inhospitable season and place:

Il neigeait horriblement ; le vent était si grand, qu’il le jeta deux fois en bas de son cheval, et, la nuit étant venue, il pensa qu’il mourrait de faim ou de froid, ou qu’il serait mangé des loups, qu’il entendait hurler autour de lui. Tout d’un coup, en regardant au bout d’une longue allée d’arbres, il vit une grande lumière, mais qui paraissait bien éloignée. Il marcha de ce côté-là, et vit que cette lumière sortait d’un grand palais qui était tout illuminé.
[...]
Il regarda par la fenêtre et ne vit plus de neige ; mais des berceaux de fleurs qui enchantaient la vue. [...] Le bon homme, après avoir pris son chocolat, sortit pour aller chercher son cheval, et, comme il passait sous un berceau de roses, il se souvint que la Belle lui en avait demandé, et cueillit une branche où il y en avait plusieurs.

(It snowed horribly; the wind was so strong that it threw him under his horse twice, and when night had come, he thought that he would die from hunger or from cold, or that he would be eaten by the wolves whom he heard howling around him. All at once, looking at the end of a long alley of trees, he saw a great light, but it seemed very far away. He walked to that side, and saw that this light was coming from a big palace that was all illumined. He looked out of the window and did not see snow any more, but flowers that enchanted his sight. The good man, after having taken his chocolate, went out to search for his horse; and as he passed underneath a cradle of roses, he remembered that Belle had asked him for some, and he picked a branch where there were several others.)*

Anyway, other rose species are just speckled with intensely red rose hips and have not flowered in months. But in all species, strong dark green leaf shoots with streaks of red are now thrusting from the twigs.

And a few potted plants, like geraniums, survive nested in balconies and in receptacles on the sidewalks. The forsythia on my windowsill, however, is losing the remnant of its desiccated leaves. At least the pith of its twigs is green, and promising leaflets have emerged from the tips of two twigs.

The city birds are as resilient as the late roses. A week or so ago I saw a pigeon retrieve things from the dusky ballast stones of the U-Bahn bed and fly up into the whitewashed Art Deco roof beams at U-Bahn station Bülowstraße, repeatedly. Because something that looked like a dead leaf fluttered down again from the beam, and because of the pattern of flights, I surmised that the pigeon was not eating but that it was preparing a nest.

The days are growing longer, the temperatures are nippy but it could be worse, plump buds are gathering in heavier and heavier accumulations on the tree and bush branches not just of plant species that I know. Altogether, the feeling that I've had since last autumn that this winter would not leave me 'seasonally depressed' has turned out to be justified thus far.

* French text taken from "La Belle et la Bête" (1806 edition) by Jeanne Marie Leprince de Beaumont,
at Wikisource.

A Walk along the Wuhle

This morning I woke up in time to have a nice early breakfast with my mother and two youngest brothers. Plain Schrippen (buns) and croissants and a bread pretzel stick and so on, with marmalade, and coffee.

Three of us set forth before noon to Berlin-Mitte to browse the English and humanities books in Dussmann, as well as the music scores in the basement. I bought Bruch's violin concert in g minor, but — as I suspected — the piano reduction of the orchestral part is not piano-solo-friendly at first glance; and I don't recognize the violin part yet although I was convinced that it would sound familiar. In terms of English-speaking books, I saw that Michelle Obama's autobiography does not seem to be out in paperback yet; and in the foreign language book section I picked up Gösta Berlings saga hoping that at some point I'd finally begin reading Swedish.

Standing in the bus that was replacing the S-Bahn line whose tracks are under repair over the weekend, I broke off the return trip home when Ge. pointed out to me that I would be quite late to a walk with colleagues if I didn't go straight there. So I disembarked at Potsdamer Platz, jogged awkwardly from the large intersection to the U-Bahn entrance that was under construction and closed and then ran along the track of setts that marks the former location of the Berlin Wall across the lawn to the elevator which was amazingly quick to arrive, and just missed my train. The next train came in 4 minutes so it was no tragedy.

At Alexanderplatz, I waited up on the S3 platform as S7 and S9 train after train arrived and left, all touching on some of the same stations as the S3 line. I became too nervous and took a 'wrong' train for part of the route, to Ostkreuz. There I saw at last that the S3 train had a sparser schedule than the S7 and S9, but that there was no construction or anything that would block it from arriving. In the end, I disembarked at S-Bahnhof Köpenick with merely the expected 4 minutes' tardiness.

The S-Bahn journey itself was newly explored ground for me, after Ostkreuz was past. At Betriebsbahnhof Rummelsburg, for example, there was a magnificent industrial landscape with lines of rail tracks as far as the eye could see that partly exuded real pride in labour and technology. It was a mixture of epochs. A building that could not have been much older than thirty years was steaming in greater billows than ever in the winter cold. But there was also a haunting former brick roundhouse that suffers desuetude and has lost its windows likely to vandalism, that looked a bit older and more Prussian and obviously not so elegant. A pale brick water tower that must be a remnant of the age of the steam engine was less disruptive to the overall impression I have in retrospect, that the scene was a friendlier kind of Futurist scene, all 1920s curves and contours.

I liked that the residential area to the east has shed the monotonous DDR gloom. Instead you have the feeling — or I have the feeling — that pre-WWI Berlin has revived. You can imagine that working or middle-class people might afford their own home with its own acre, or you can see parents and children taking the train in chattering masses to leave town for a day's or weekend's getaway along stations that have purposely been brightened and decorated to attract them. The birch forest along the tracks felt natural and unregimented: its ground sank and rose again, old branches and trunks rotted fruitfully to prepare the way for more vegetation, it breathed and thrived in its thin-soiled way.

But if Wuhlheide was Brandenburg in feeling remote from the urban grind; and if a few of the buildings along the way also hinted at insouciance; Köpenick was Berlin again: shopping centres and densely plotted apartment buildings — but maybe less high than what you'd see in my neighbourhood — and traffic.

Cogitations while Shopping for Christmas

This morning I walked to the KaDeWe department store again, the streets almost kitschily full of Christmas cheer: families with young children no longer cloistered in schools, highly decorated windows in shops that were doing a heavy traffic, winter sunlight falling over everything between the apartment buildings and their shadows, and even Santa Claus on a bicycle.

In KaDeWe the black-suited security guards were solemnly standing like magazine advertisements amongst the expensive jewelry and beyond them there were perfumes, cosmetics, and handbags. Although I tend to buy a scented candle from a French fragrance company once a year, and the saleswomen give me a sample per candle of incredibly expensive perfumes I otherwise wouldn't buy (which, to be honest, I consider as a major perk), this time I am still well supplied from last year.

So, I wormed through the throngs and past individual amateur photographers who were  touchingly forgiving of the doubtful aesthetic of massive sculptures that stood in the lobby; they photographed themselves or others standing in front of the figures. There was a massive orange sculpture of someone I presumed to be a youth actor with a great resemblance to Timothee Chalamet. A tall man entering his fifties stood there, like an army officer forced to pose smilingly next to an enemy soldier who has taken him prisoner, maintaining his dignity, while a woman tried to catch a snap of him. The crowd was so thick and slow-moving that the refrain Getmeoutgetmeoutgetmeout began repeating in my head and my blood pressure shot up.

Then I went up to the men's fashion level. After seeing that the socks were far too small for my brothers' feet, and that the scarves were 80 Euros apiece and not likely to survive the laundry machine (although I have to confess that the amateur knitter in me took notes because I liked the cable-knit patterns), I quickly went up to the women's fashion level.

Being in a department store women's clothing section makes me even more unhappy than a men's clothing section. The fashion labels were fancier than I remembered from the last time I went to KaDeWe. It also felt like all the woolly sweaters were made in Italy, hand-wash only, which made them less practical as gifts for someone who doesn't love fabric care or live on first-name terms with their neighbourhood dry-cleaner. But I liked simpler-designed cardigans and pullovers from a Scandinavian-sounding label that didn't have any of the aggressive, dazzling edge of many others. As a hazard of my job, I recognized a Polo Ralph Lauren Christmas sweater with a bear on it from work.

What cheered me up was the fashion excellence amongst some of the shoppers themselves. There were great and original outfits (sharply cut coats, large and whimsical scarves, rare combinations) there that I've grown to appreciate after seeing mass-manufactured things. The clothing seemed not just expensive, and not flashy, but well-chosen and well-loved. But of course it would have been rude to stare, so I didn't soak in the style as much as I was tempted to. And there were many hoodies, as well, which was fine in the mix although a little monotonous if that's all you get.

Still, I reflected grumpily, as I surveyed the racks, that this clothing that we were all thronging like hungry piranhas to buy was probably made in terrible labour conditions. And I questioned again why I hadn't gone to shop in a small, sustainable, ethical-minded shop.

After wandering around like a sad and lonely little goldfish, I found more or less what I wanted and was just carefully examining it — when a canny saleswoman pounced on me like a hawk and managed to "upsell" me into getting two items instead of one. As I told Ge., I was fairly sure I saw a piece of her soul shrivel and die when I put the merchandise into my grubby synthetic-fibre shopping bag, after politely declining her offer of a neat new KaDeWe paper bag. But, although I respected her professional standards, I felt that I'd done a good turn for the environment. (You're welcome, Greta.)

In the upper floors of KaDeWe, the tea and other china services, white and blue like willow-ware or speckled with flowers or peaceful traditional Japanese, were much more restful to look at because there was no compulsion to buy, choose, or look stylish.

I largely ignored the silverware, crystal, vases, and Christmas decorations, although I like the intricate pale wood candle pyramids from the Erzgebirge that cost a fortune. But I might have bought egg cups had they not been 11+ Euros apiece, which offended my sense of what is called in German the 'Preis-Leistungs-Verhältnis (the price-to-performance ratio).

I adore the cooking section: the Le Creuset dishes, for example the little lidded pots, made me squeal happily inside. Although I heavily suspect that not all of Le Creuset's ware is geared toward professional chefs; it capitalizes on the popularity of the brand. Anyway, I also love seeing the shining arms of the ladles and mandolins and garlic presses and whisks and nut crackers and spatulas, even if we have enough at home.

At last I went to the "Fress-étage" or Food Floor. It's been renovated, too. Now, instead of there being just shelves and bins, there are also hanging baskets of Lindt chocolate bars, Niederegger marzipan in myriad forms, Italian cantuccini and amaretti, Reese's peanut butter cups, candy canes, etc. I no longer saw a meat counter nor a fish counter, nor did I see a fruit section or an American food quarter. That said, my tour of the Fress-étage wasn't exhaustive. What I'm pretty sure of is that the newspapers and magazines have moved elsewhere, to another floor, and diminished.

As I perambulated along the staffed food counters that are a popular feature of the Food Floor, KaDeWe employees were handing out cheeses and breads and truffles and cakes to customers from behind the glass guards. People were, as usual, eating the food at tables in intimate groups.

I think the emphasis of the Food Floor is more on luxury than before; the potato chips and the regular noodles and other things that were once there were either no longer there, or no longer prominent.

Anyway, emerging from the shop into the street again was one of the happiest moments of the day. I turned my face toward the sunlight, also hoping that absorbing the vitamin D would help me get rid of the blood iron deficiency that has reared its head again lately. (This time I'm trying a syrup instead of pills, which is more agreeable, but it's no substitute for a balanced diet and also making sure that I have the other nutrients I need as catalysts to make sure the dietary iron actually stays. Which I've partly done, but I'm a little tired of eating whole grain rye bread.) It was a great feeling to have energy again, and bounce up stairs, because I'd been feeling like my legs are like sticks or straws a lot lately, and for one or two days had headaches and nausea.

***

Part II of my shopping trip was more ethical, if only because I visited an independent shop. But I cannot divulge details because they might be revealing to family members!

Part III took me to Dahlem-Dorf, where I popped into Schleichers Buchhandlung to browse the German-language books, admire their English book section in a shelf at the end of an aisle, and skim through every classical music CD.

I also retraced my memories of studying at the university. There was a lovely sunset over the train station's thatched roof, very like a Caspar David Friedrich painting in pink against squiggly trees, that faded gently into a deep royal blue, so the campus offered itself in a flattering aspect again despite the grim winter.

Families — young, old, and middle-aged — were curving around the gardens and the farmyard shop of the Domäne Dahlem farm to reach the Christmas market. Usually the Domäne Dahlem showcases agricultural engineering and parochial history, as far as I'm aware. But for this season it has opened its doors and courtyard to the market.

The market is fancy-pants and tasteful, although I reflected rather grimly that it is likely financed by the exploitation of the proletariat. (Yes, I do become more Marxist-Leninist by the Thanksgiving shopping weekend at the latest.)

Anyway, I was quite amused about the entrance fee. I have heard complaints about the 1 Euro entrance fee to the elegant Gendarmenmarkt Christmas market in Berlin's centre. The general refrain is that we should not be asked to pay to spend money. So I was shocked when I and everyone else in the two short lines meekly paid up the 3 Euro entrance fee in Dahlem.

Inside, sellers were staying as warm as they could in white tents, offering hand-decorated white-and-gilt mugs and jewelry and straw stars that have been bedazzled with sparkling beads. There were three or so stalls with beanie hats and scarves, in a colourful spectrum of warm and cold hues and tints, fuzzy wool; there were jars with amaryllis shoots glamorously rising from the blood-red glass; there were finely decorated cartons in pastel colours.

There was Glühwein (mulled wine, of which some people partook too much), Teutonic sausages, wooden Christmas tree decorations, bottles of unfiltered olive oil that glowed summery green, a veritable artillery of jam jars or pestos or sauces, and so on and so forth.

If you added the wooden stalls and benches and log fires and evergreen twigs of the Kulturbrauerei Christmas market from Prenzlauer Berg to this market, and perhaps tasteful live music, and even more varieties of handmade things, I think it would have been more or less the beau ideal of a Christmas market.

***

After a long while I figured out (as I headed back home from the Dahlem-Dorf train station) why the U-Bahn train signage puzzled me so much: Back in the day, the U3 only went as far as Nollendorfplatz, but now it goes on to Warschauer Straße.

A man was busking with a guitar and singing in the line I switched to later, while in the U3 another man who looked like Tony Robinson from British television (Blackadder or Time Team) was walking around the platform of Dahlem-Dorf selling a street magazine.

I don't know his story, but in general I was reminded that around Christmas in Berlin you tend to see people asking for change in the U-Bahn and S-Bahn and the streets whom you've never seen in the neighbourhood before and who don't seem dirty, smelly, or desolate.

But while some of the people asking for yuletide money have the happy, well-fed glow of unrepentant scammers, which is a blatant contrast to the clear desperation of vulnerable, demon-ridden people whom I see more regularly, I think that a few of these are legitimate.

(For example, I've come to believe that sometimes mothers who are not entirely poor but certainly not rich, dwelling in the 'precariat,' beg for money just so that they can get Christmas presents for their children. If you see a woman who looks like a careworn parent — it makes me angry when I see a mother (of a baby or a young child) who looks thin and gaunt and like the lifeblood has been sucked out of her by parenthood; I think that the other adults around her must be horribly neglecting to help her — with a half-remunerative creative job like the ones in your own city block, whose facial expression screams that this is the most humiliating day of her life, it doesn't take an overly fertile imagination to start putting two and two together to make ... perhaps not four, but at least three point five.)

I was also thinking that even if people are scamming by asking for spare change, selling things in a regular brick-and-mortar store or per advertising can also be a kind of scam. So it would be a double standard to frown on this too one-sidedly.

The Autumn Season and Rimbaud's Season in Earthly Purgatory

It is the cusp of autumn, and while the days have grown markedly shorter, the heat has intensified again and with it the humidity. We expect a campaign of thunder and lightning that will defuse the onslaught, but not tonight, yet. Russet tones are appearing in the maple leaves, golden clumps underneath the fresher foliage of the linden trees — which are also shedding a sap that renders the leaves that cloak their trunks chalky and glossy like the hardened silvery trail that is left underneath the passage of a slimy snail. Fat red and orange rose hips throng in the bushes, and the raspberry and blueberry and blackberry and strawberry bushes, as well as the peach and apricot, are shedding the last of their intensely sugary summer crop in the grocery stores. And the first husks and nuts of Turkish filbert and chestnuts that are planted along the street are falling to the sidewalks and bursting apart.

On Friday I made it out of the apartment early, ambling down the sidewalk through the late summer morning to the next train station. So, for once, I bought the New York Times's international edition from the kiosk down the street. It was thin in comparison to the newspapers I remember from ten years ago. But I enjoyed reading it in the train; it was fresh news, beautifully perfect in terms of its photography and writing, and reassuring. The black-and-white photograph of Lee Krasner standing in her studio bowled me over. Even manoeuvering the huge broadsheet leaves as the train became more crowded made me pleasantly nostalgic. Anyway, I was chipper.

On other days I've been reading Arthur Rimbaud: an essay on him, and extracts from his work. Of course the big deal with him was that he was a gay or bisexual man in 19th-century France, and lived with the famous poet Paul Verlaine, who appears to have been a huge piece of work and also shot Rimbaud in the arm with a bullet, and published breathtakingly original and rich poetry at a very young age before becoming exhausted and spending his twilight years in a desk job in the French colonies of the Middle East.

I stopped reading a volume of Paul Verlaine's poetry because the man sounded so ghastly in his private life. But although Arthur Rimbaud does not appear to have been a cozy figure, like Albert Camus's main character in L'Étranger I feel him to be weirdly sympathetic. Even when he was a jaded man of middle age who wrote what I thought were self-absorbed, jaded and acerbic letters to his friends and relatives. (Not that he didn't have indisputable reasons to complain.)

I don't know why, but I find it cute when French poets of the 19th century, like Rimbaud, think that they're dangerously mad and bad. In my understanding of God and humanity, after the millennia of men have existed, it must be hard to be impressively and uniquely venal at this point. And I don't think that turmoil or profanity are a sin, taking a religious viewpoint again, except perhaps toward one's own happiness. What frightens and depresses me is men's power to perform bad actions toward other men.

In that vein, it is another 19th-century poet whom I've been reading whom I find less endearing and more disturbing. I can follow Constantinos Cavafis's obsessions with the history of Alexandria and Greece and Rome, and his attempts to inhabit a private world outside of his desk job. But I detest reading Cavafis's 'love' poetry. He wrote it as an adult man in what I gather was the midst of an intense Victorian midlife crisis. The objects of the poems are always 'nubile men' (aged 17 to 23) who die young, in what I think is a metaphor for harmful sexual relations, or were just met briefly after a street pick-up. They are never people in their own right, only projections and ghosts of Cavafis's own lost youth, whose only distinguishing character trait is remoteness.

Since I have a romantic ideal of how relationships should be, I try to imagine that Cavafis had a reasonable attitude, based on consensus and mutuality, in his real-life relationships. But with all the evidence piling up on the other side, I keep giving up. It is just creepy and each poem is like a foul-tasting madeleine that reminds me of the few middle-aged men who chatted me up in the street when I was in my twenties here in Berlin. This type of harassment was at times almost the only social interaction I had outside of my family, and it was appalling after a lifetime of being around men and women who were protective of younger people and had rigid ideas of right and wrong, to realize that people could genuinely see other people as tools for self-gratification.

Maybe Rimbaud was not remarkably upright. Maybe he was just mostly the exploited young man in the equation, and that was why he does not come across to me as a creep. Whatever the cause, at any rate, I don't remember any poetic passage where he seemed what I'd call predatory, except when he campaigned to make Paul Verlaine backslide from his return to Catholicism. (I think it's wrong to meddle with people's consciences. But perhaps Rimbaud was mad at what he might have seen as Verlaine's use of formal religion for whitewashing his own drunken offenses against his wife, child, Rimbaud, etc.)

Rimbaud was obsessed with his idea of poetry and reaching his truths, i.e. his understanding of nature and religion, at high cost to himself, rather than with exploiting other people for status and gratification. Although his ethic as an employee during his final years was perhaps not grandly altruistic or devoted; at least, I had the impression from his private letters that he expected a large salary for his brilliant intellectuality and aimed to get it without great expectations of his own job performance. So I'm not sure if he didn't exploit people for his financial upkeep. But at least I find the first part (paying the emotional costs for his artistic vision himself) laudable, although I am a little unhappy that, in pursuit of his truths, he subjected himself to a vagrant life in Paris — also a hazardous place because the Franco-Prussian war was raging in 1870 and 1871 — as a teenager.

I am pleased if I grasped more than two tenths of each of Rimbaud's poems. The vocabulary is beyond my range; and at times he invented new words. Like Van Gogh's art, I had to view each bold brush-stroke in the broader picture to figure out what the subject was. I never grasp what he meant by the 'snowiness' of cobblestones or pavements, for example, and I might lack the experience of hashish and absinthe required to decode other poems.

Also: It was weird but enjoyable reading my grandmother's notes in the margins, in French and (rarely) in German. The jottings did help explain a few things and reading them was like attending a secondhand undergraduate lecture — at least I'm fairly sure she wrote these scribbles in a French course at university.

But I also found in Rimbaud an emotional kinsman to the French revolutionary period. It was a nice surprise because I'm obsessing about the Revolution as much as ever after reading fragments of Jean-Jacques Rousseau's Discourse on the Origins of the Inequality of Man. (After reading the Discourse I feel, immodestly, as if I have a key to the zeitgeist at last.)

Experiments in Iron Pills

Three weeks ago I wasn't feeling well, waking up with cramped muscles in the back, not having much of an appetite, so weak that a fifteen-minute walk was a daunting prospect and I had to go slowly, and sitting at my desk tormented by nausea and headaches. In addition to that, of course, I was under mental pressure from things that were happening at work. The weekend before that I'd been taking long naps during the day. On the Monday afternoon I left work early because I felt too poorly, and the U-Bahn ride home was one of the worst travel experiences I'd had. But then I fell into bed and felt much better after two hours' sleep.

In the end, after thinking intently about what might be wrong, I went with the hypothesis of anemia. It was a more enticing explanation than my first thought: endometriosis. During a lunch break, I bought iron supplement pills from the organic food store. (I happened to see them there; it's not that I think that nutritionally useful iron derived from plants is chemically all that different.)

After I started swallowing an iron pill every morning, and regularly eating whole grain bread and apples at work, there was a marked improvement. By now I feel more or less like my normal bouncing self, even if I want to reintroduce myself to intense physical effort like beach volleyball and running only gradually.

Weather: heat, humidity, etc. were likely also exacerbating symptoms that might otherwise have been far less perceptible. In any case I thought that it's not like I was seriously ill, but that my 'quality of life' and ability to work were temporarily dented.

Yet: I do not like popping pills if they are not prescribed by a professional, and they remind me of illnesses that my grandfather had, or when as a teenager I needed to take antibacterial medicine and pain pills for a tooth infection and then had horrible back cramps. Also, the last two or three days I've felt nauseated after taking these. (Although when I then researched iron intake on the internet I found that, at 14 mg of iron per daily dose, the pills are arranged to be within the 18 mg ideal intake per US government guidelines.)

I do want to finish the package. But after that, on the other hand, I want to begin eating kidney beans and white beans, lentils, spinach and sardines regularly, so that I'm really just absorbing iron from food.

Anyway, I doubt if this is interesting! and in the end, whether the unwellness was caused by psychological factors more than physical factors or not, I'm just glad it's diminished.

Cannoli, a Concerto and Duolingo

Yesterday I took the train to Treptower Park, in the east of Berlin on the banks of the Spree River, and to an old container harbour that is sandwiched in beside the bricks of a railway bridge. I had my hand stamped after paying an entrance fee, held open my bag for a security man who was sitting on a stool, and then under the midday sun went straight for a booth that sold cannoli and tirami su from a table with a glass frame filled with both.

It was an Italian Street Food Fair, thin strips of white and red and green fluttered from a line draped across the entrance, and the booths sold pasta, hamburgers and pulled pork, and wines, amongst other things, as music played in the background. At the pastry booth I was offered a taste-test of a triangle of cannoli pastry with a pale creamy hazelnut filling that was practically foamy with all the air that had been beaten into it, and I bought one at once.

Wooden picnic tables and benches, the colour of a fishing pier on which the sun has beaten for decades were standing in the courtyard beside an angular pool. I sat down at one of the benches and read more of The Hate You Give, which I decided to buy from Dussmann in paper form to keep because I liked the audiobook so much.

After that, it must be confessed, I walked to the office and put in about one and a half hours of work. The office was dark except for lights that had been mistakenly kept on in the hallway, which I then helped save the planet by turning off. One of the managers sent me an email to re-book a meeting; I presumed that he was just working on a Saturday too, but wondered if he could 'see' that I was at the office. Although I think I shall need to work on Saturdays more often in future, I'd prefer to do so without fanfare or extra payment.

*

I love the route near Treptower Park, with its wildflowers (yellow-flowering mulleins and red poppies, green unripe blackberries, and roses which you can smell sometimes, and so on and so forth) and trees and old brick buildings and even the monkey in a soldier's uniform which is one of the few pieces of graffiti that I think it would be pretty criminal to destroy. The newly hatched residential buildings, the cyclists, the flat waters of the Rummelsbucht and its mess of boats and the tent colony, the long curve of the bridge at Ostkreuz, and the fragrance of freshly sawn wood and poured concrete at the glass-façaded colossus they're building with the lonely chatter or odd clumping about of a leftover construction worker. Also the vast blue sky and the sweeping clouds and the threateningly spiry black water tower that used to store water for steam locomotives in the 20th century. And all the fresh air. I save it as a treat for myself after work, sometimes, rather than forging into the urban dys/utopia of the Frankfurter Allee, and the capitalist temples of Mitte, in the other direction.

*

This morning I woke up disgruntled because I'd dreamt that I'd been asked by the manager to come in for a meeting on a Sunday, together with my sister and the Greek colleague. It took a long time to shake off, because the past week has been incredibly stressful at the office and I suspect that the fact that I've had grey hairs again lately is a physical after-effect of it.

So I 'spilled my guts' to Ge., J., and Mama over the breakfast table. They listened with more patience and sympathy than I deserved. It was a breakfast of coffee and bakery goods: sesame seed bun, pumpkin seed bun, croissants, a Schrippe roll, and a long pretzel bun.

Then I worked away at the piano. Last week I finally bought a score for Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1. Since then I have been tackling my distaste for the piano part — I like the orchestral parts best, and in any case think that the Violin Concerto is far more musically rewarding. Either that, or I'm just in a bad mood and the innocent piano concerto is its first victim.

Also:

Granados - Danzas Españolas, 1-6, 12

Bach - Concerto in d minor, 1st movement (partly)

Schumann - Piano quintet, first 2 movements, Op. 44

Beethoven - Waldstein Sonata

Anton Karas - Third Man theme

Claude Daquin - The Cuckoo

Brahms - one or two of the Hungarian Dances, 1-10

Rachmaninov, Prelude in c# minor

Tchaikovsky, Violin Concerto in D major (2nd movement in piano transcription)

Mozart, Concerto in G major (KV 453), 2nd movement

*

At noon I went to Tempelhofer Feld per bicycle with Ge. It turns out that sore leg muscles, gauging when to shift from 1st gear to 2nd and vice versa, a cyclist who wanted twice as much space as he needed (as I grumbled to Ge. 'I didn't even infringe on his precious lane!'), the broiling sun on my skin, etc., were even better distractions from work than the mammoth piano program.

Recently I saw a documentary about mountain biking in Iceland and now I want to work toward doing something like that. The problem would be acquiring a mountain bike and the athletic ability. 1 hour on flat terrain is tough; 4 hours on hilly terrain likely impossible at present.

I also practiced languages on Duolingo. But it might be wiser to focus on improving my Spanish and maybe reading something in French again. Because of a faux pas I recently made in Greek to a Greek-speaking colleague, i.e. pronouncing Dimokratia 'Demokratia,' I've also been shamed into wanting to pick it up again and improve greatly. I don't know how my English-/German-as-a-Second-Language-speaking colleagues do it, by which I mean speak other languages fluently without having spoken them as young children.

Spring Flowers and Medieval Roof-Beams

Lately I've had what I think is the flu rather than a cold since last Monday, and on Friday I gave in and stayed home from work. I'm stronger than I was during the flu last year. But I have felt weak and overheated, congested and not able to smell things (including the food that I eat), have coughed at length, and am recovering more slowly than I hoped — things that are all irritating.

It turned out that staying home on Friday was a great idea, because I was more exhausted than I'd realized. I believe I haven't taken a whole day's holiday since September. But mentally accommodating many people under time pressure and failing at the tasks I'm supposed to do, for so long, has led me to the point at times where I can't think or say or explain anything any more. It feels pretty hopeless. That said, the colleagues are very comforting.

Although I'm still forging through the footnotes of Naomi Wolf's feminist Beauty Myth, and read the weekly local magazine Zitty in the train, mainly I'm engaged in reading Ronald W. Clark's biography of Albert Einstein at present.

Zitty had a touching article about city pigeons. It was inspiring especially because a mother pigeon is nesting with two chicks outside the office building where I work. Animal observation is much more action-packed and fascinating than I'd realized as a child...

Weather: Green is scattered everywhere now, as well as blossoms that have partly burst and begun to litter the pavements, the earliest tulips and the crocuses are already overblown but many more flowers are springing from the nooks. It is a relief not to see a metaphorical graveyard to everything, every time I go to work and look out the train windows. Also, the long daylight hours are pleasant.

Today the Mueller Report was released. I guess I should read it. But it worries me to think that perhaps the energy put toward reading it, should be put into learning about the grave social and economic issues that pervade the US nowadays instead. I'd have to doublecheck, but I think the report just confirms that gross impropriety is the Trumps' normal mode of operation; and that no special malice, no special (to borrow a term from the Victorians) base cunning, and no special criminal intent went into their attempts to fish advantageous elections material out of Wikileaks and Russian government circles.

As for the cathedral Notre Dame de Paris, it did grieve me to see it burn. What grieved me was that this unusual building — these medieval timbers, craftsmanship and idiosyncratic Gothic experimentation, and potentially the enormous old stained-glass windows — was disappearing from one minute to the next. Also, the risk of the walls collapsing outward and causing even greater damage. I was not shedding tears for the Vatican or for the French government's coffers. And at no point I did think that using the term 'agony' — as a few commentators did — to describe the experience of watching the church burn on live TV, or the experience of French citizens watching it, was not exaggerated, compared to many other human tragedies.

Anyway, that's enough 'Last Week in a Nutshell.' I'm looking forward to the Easter weekend.

Scribbling Poems and Seeing Periwinkles

It's been a while since my last post. I've experienced an urge to crawl into my shell like a snail, partly I no longer have the inspiration of Terre des hommes to help breathe words onto the screen, and partly I suppose I have been in a prosaic mindset so prosaic that, paradoxically, I did not want to write prose about it.

At work, M.'s birthday present of a notebook is handy, and so is the quill pen and extra ink bottle that the British Colleague gave me. Whenever I remember, perhaps once a day, I scribble down a poem about whichever thoughts are passing through my mind: the sky, the kentia palm and the peace lily and other plants on or near me, late hours at work, friendship, etc. I don't worry much about metre or rhyme, but these structures are such an engrained habit that they occasionally appear in the verses.

Reading Konstantinos Kavafis's poems has been a spur. His poems are (as far as I can tell) brief scraps of thought, study and imagination written during breaks from a daily schedule, telling in lucid language of things that are borrowed from the universal experience, or telling anybody something about things and images one broods about in private. I believe, however, that I love my day-job far more than Kavafis liked his. Also, it should be admitted that the comparison does not hold true for many other reasons, e.g. most obviously, the gulf of quality that separates my scribblings from his works.

*

I've been reading more of Aristotle's Politics in the U-Bahn and S-Bahn. Also, the biography of Marie Curie by her younger daughter, in an English-language translation of the original French. (This biography is the successor to The Structure and Evolution of the Stars, i.e. the representative of the scientific realm in my book bag.)

I have many thoughts about these two books that I'll perhaps mention in the books blog.

But I've also finished listening to Toni Morrison's audiobook reading of Beloved and I'm still trying to finish Naomi Wolf's Beauty Myth.

Perhaps then I can finally move on to reading Morrison's anthology Mouth Full of Blood (British title), other feminist books, James Baldwin and other authors.

***

The trees mostly look as austere as they did in December. But I've seen white blossoms on a shrub perhaps in the plum family, and crocus leaves in the wild, and tiny green leaves on trees. The florists' shops are bursting with daffodils, anemones, tulips, hyacinths, pansies, etc., and the plants at work have begun to look sprightly and a beautiful living green because of the increased sunshine. In the southeastern tip of Berlin where colleagues and I had a walk on Sunday, there were genuine, purple crocus flowers, wrinkled little chionodoxa in the hedges and hollows of the church grounds, and olive-green leaflets forming on the branch ends of lilac bushes across the cobblestones in front of a private home. Swans were swimming on the lake and one was flapping, very unwieldy-looking, through the breezy air. I think I've seen periwinkles crawling along fences nearer our apartment, too.

The songbirds are chirping everywhere; the wind is bringing warmth, hail, clouds, gaps in the clouds, and rain. And it is invigorating to see that the sky remains bright for ever longer hours until, as Shakespeare put it, "thou seest the twilight of such day / As after sunset fadeth in the west [...]".

We are keeping the coal stove burning, but I hope that its term will soon expire for the year.

*

Last week the company I work for had a Team Event, which was a guided tour of a reconstructed air raid shelter from World War II in northern Berlin, and secondly a trip to the Georgian restaurant that I adored when we visited it the Christmas before last.

The tour led me to reread part of one of my grandmothers' memoirs. I last read it at the age of 16 or so and remembered that she mentions an aerial bombing that levelled her parents' Berlin home in 1942. It's probably the least bad thing that happened during World War II because nobody was hurt or killed, at least.

In general, while reading these memoirs, I was glad that I have not lived at any point in the early 20th century. I detest the rigid social hierarchy that she describes, and have rarely appreciated my own social, educational, professional and fiscal mediocrity more. I am afraid she'd hardly have intended this, so I should probably ask her pardon. But after all, as Tennyson put it,

Kind hearts are more than coronets,
And simple faith than Norman blood.

Saint-Éxupéry: Men and Earth

In the U-Bahn and S-Bahn I have been reading more of Antoine de Saint-Éxupéry's Terre des hommes.

I guess the first part of it depicts him as a young man, attempting his first proper pilot's job as a carrier of airmail from Toulouse to Senegal, in awe of the pilots who flew before him. A second part explains something of the airmail routes in the Andes. Part of this is the story of a pilot, Henri Guillaumet, whose airplane is trapped in the Andes. Despite the deadly frost, the inimical terrain and lacking food, he walks for days and manages to make his way to his family and his fellow pilots, although he had to be hospitalized. A third part is about Mohammed Ben Lhaoussin: a man who, after being captured and then enslaved in the Sahara desert, is freed and flown back to his native Morocco by Saint-Éxupéry and his French compatriots. (I found the depiction of slavery and its emotional/mental effects rather disquieting.)

Perhaps I am misremembering bits — if so, I'm sorry.

Later, Saint-Éxupéry narrates a hairsbreadth brush with death that he faced alongside the mechanic André Prévot in the 1930s. They crash in their plane in the eastern Sahara, vaguely between Libya and the Red Sea. In the crash, the water reservoirs are damaged and the liquid spills into the sand. The two men nearly die of thirst. They walk hundreds of kilometers trying to reach the sea, an oasis, or anything, but along the way fata morganas mislead them much as Saint-Éxupéry was misled by stars that he thought might be lighthouses in an earlier story.

Terre des hommes, and this tale in particular, is written so well that I felt sympathetically thirsty as the tale progressed. The grimness was veiled, too, in elegant prose-poetry and an impressive philosophical — not quite detachment, but at least analysis. But despite the muting elements, the adventure was so gripping that I kept thinking of the tale again during the working day. In general, Terre des hommes is one of the books where I figuratively hop up and down with admiring enthusiasm, although it's silly to think of that when the topic is so grim.

***

Recently I have thought about generating beautiful things from a personal hell or the darkness of the grave. Is it possible to beautify the world by reappropriating elements of bad experiences?°

A bush or a fruit tree or another plant takes food from the rotten plant matter in the worm-eaten soil, or from lifeless-looking bulbs. It works this food into petals that appear, beautifully, to the rest of the world. (Apologies for the time-worn metaphor.) But I don't know if it's this easy for humans.

I thought of this because of the saint's legend of St. Dorothea of Caesarea:

Dorothea of Caesarea suffered during the persecution of Diocletian, 6 February, 311, at Caesarea in Cappadocia. She was brought before the prefect Sapricius, tried, tortured, and sentenced to death. On her way to the place of execution the pagan lawyer Theophilus said to her in mockery: "Bride of Christ, send me some fruits from your bridegroom's garden." Before she was executed, she sent him, by a six-year-old boy, her headdress which was found to be filled with a heavenly fragrance of roses and fruits. Theophilus at once confessed himself a Christian, was put on the rack, and suffered death.
[Wikipedia]

[I am not quite sure whether this fragrance of roses and fruits is a saint's way of saying 'I told you so,' or if Dorothea's gesture was intended to be more high-mindedly generous. Generally, it's likely best if generous deeds don't end in people being 'put on the rack' and 'suffering death.']

[° It turns out that Saint-Éxupéry was writing about a similar line of thought just where I'd left off reading, so these ruminations are even less half-original than I'd imagined...]

*

Returning to Terre des hommes, I think that Saint-Éxupéry must have worked over his experience for years. I have crises over writing about simple grocery shopping trips; it's mind-boggling to think of the work he put into his descriptions of thirst, abandonment, and triumphant return to the comforts of human society.

Spring Cleaning: Quotations Written Down in 2018

I am clearing my desk, a little, and à la Marie Kondo, I am looking to see if my old bank statements 'spark joy.'

In the trains to and from work, I sometimes scribble down quotations. I'll share a few of last year's scribblings below, because they were amongst the papers on my desk.

***

Brave New World
Aldous Huxley
p. 12

Great is the truth, but still greater, from a practical point of view, is silence about truth. By simply not mentioning certain subjects, by lowering what Mr Churchill calls an 'iron curtain' between the masses and such facts or arguments as the local political bosses regard as undesirable, totalitarian propagandists have influenced opinion much more effectively than they could have done by the most eloquent denunciations, the most compelling of logical rebuttals.

*

Andromaque
Racine
p. 39 (Bordas, 1979)
Act. I sc. i
Verses 121-122

Il peut, Seigneur, il peut, dans ce désordre extrême,
Épouser ce qu'il hait et punir ce qu'il aime.

(Rough translation: He may, Sire, he may, in this extreme disorder, espouse that which he hates and punish that which he loves.)

*

Trumpian Fallacy:

Politik
Aristoteles, transl. Franz F. Schwarz
Stuttgart: Reclaim, 1989

p. 219

Doch man ist gewöhnt, die Verfassungen, die sich mehr zur Demokratie neigen, Politien zu nennen, aber die, die mehr zur Oligarchie neigen, Aristokratie, weil den Wohlhabenderen eher Bildung und edle Geburt folgen. Dazu aber scheinen die Wohlhabenden das schon zu besitzen, weswegen die Rechtsbrecher Unrecht tun. Daher bezeichnet man diese als ehrenwerte und anerkannte Leute.

(Rough translation: Yet one is used to call those constitutions, which incline toward democracy, polities; but those, which incline toward oligarchy, aristocracy; since education and noble birth are likelier to follow the wealthy. Moreover the wealthy seem to possess that already, for the sake of which lawbreakers do unjust things. Therefore one defines these as venerable and respected people.)

p. 220

Bei den meisten beinahe scheinen nämlich die Wohlhabenden den Platz der ehrenwerten Leuten einzunehmen.

(Rough translation: Almost for the majority of people, the wealthy seem to occupy the place of the venerable.)

*

p. 456 (Footnotes)

Der hl. Thomas sagt zu Anfang von De ente et essentia: "parvus error in principio magnus est in fine."

(Rough translation: St. Thomas says at the beginning of De ente et essentia: 'a small error in the beginning is large in the end.')

Stars and Bars Before the Weekend

We've had a glimpse of March in February, and the world was positively bathed in sunlight this morning, so that I saw hundreds of details during the morning train ride that I had never seen before. It has been delightfully warm — happily, not so warm that I was fearing that global warming would kill humanity forthwith.

I have made progress in The Structure and Evolution of the Stars. Martin F. Schwarzschild is winding down and concluding his findings, rather than assailing my brain with further mathematical formulae.

In the evening, after work, I went to a 'Späti' — the Berlin answer to North America's 7-11, except that the Berlin shops are independent and seen now as endangered jewels of our neighbourhoods ('Kieze') — with colleagues. We were saying farewell to a departing colleague. I bought, to be honest, two bars of chocolate, while the others were drinking beers; and have to admit I felt tremendously uncool.

Because it is winter and the benches outside the Späti are not capacious, we walked on to a bar after almost everyone had two or three beers.

It has rude sketches hanging as decor which I hadn't noticed before, which a woman colleague pointed out to me this evening. But the bar has been pleasant whenever I've been there: dark-blue couches and stools, tea lights in glass holders and flowers (e.g. a golden daffodil, very Wordsworth) in a glass jug on the tables, red-speckled lighting, and antiquated architectural 'bones' like the peri-19th-century doorways and passages, with a semi-Gothic atmosphere.

I was in an awkward mood: my nose was congested, I was too quiet to be heard often, and I felt selfish because I had my back to half of the colleagues. But the colleagues made kindly and sincere efforts to 'include' me, also at the Späti earlier. And I hope I was able to say goodbye to the colleague in this way, to his satisfaction.

I took leave early, and I walked two train stations further, which took half an hour, before taking the train and reaching home. Especially on the bridge at Ostkreuz station I saw the Orion constellation, more stars, the moon, and trails of airplanes; rectilinear patches of building window lights, red lights along the train tracks, headlamps and taillights of cars, dipped paler beams of street lamps, sparkling Christmas lights, watery reflections of the building lights on Rummelsbucht, and the white flares of bicycle lights heading toward me in a covered construction passage. Not that I noticed all the terrestrial nights today with precision; I had catalogued them yesterday or the day before.

The starry night suggested Terre des hommes to me. It is hard for me to read because of its enigmatic language and its recherché vocabulary. But as I have an airplane mechanic brother it takes on an immediate interest. I'd read an anecdote at the beginning: Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and a navigator (?) are lost over the sea at night, during a postal delivery flight in the 1920s or so. They cannot see the coast or the water, which lie in deep fog, and keep steering for stars that they think are Earth lights. The airplane is running out of fuel, drop by drop.

I liked reading about planets in the Encyclopaedia Britannica at eight years of age, but I'd lost that enthusiasm over the years, although I considered taking Astronomy as my science elective course at UBC. This enthusiasm is coming back to me. I think there's something pure and lovely about outer space; and I find its workings more reasonable and less fantastical to read about, than the workings of terrestrial chemistry, physics or biology.

Along the way I also bought organic groceries. At home, later, I made sautéed spinach with onions, cut up beetroot to eat raw, divided up a bar of milk chocolate, and also put black beluga lentils to boil. Needless to say, I am not always this socio-ecologically conscientious or nutritionally punctilious.

After all this, I reached home after 9:30. One of my uncles had invited me to a family meeting nearby. But I felt it was too late to cross the road and see if the relatives, including two of my uncles, were still awake, present, and chatting with each other. Mama had been studying intensively at home, so I couldn't gauge by her presence or absence whether the party was ongoing, and wouldn't have had her morally bracing proximity to mitigate my timidity.

Stars and Pastures in February

Fortunately I'm on the mend from the cold. This evening, because it was a Friday and I was thinking of walk-running tomorrow, I didn't walk to the next train station. Instead, I stepped right into the one near the office and tried to read The Structure and Evolution of the Stars again, still hoping to finish it soon. Right now it is about white dwarf stars, in which the hydrogen has mostly been burned up except for a radioactive shell, which remains (if I've understood correctly) around a helium core in which the warmth is evenly distributed. But I did not focus well; I felt groggy and the work day was repeating itself in my mind.

In the morning, Berlin was bright and sunlit. So I neglected the book and I looked out the glass doors to absorb the landscape outside the S-Bahn. Apparently I am not too grown up to love a real-life Richard Scarry book, with a hundred human machines and habitations and activities, when it appears in front of me.

***

I think that trying to find new hopes and ideas, as we head into spring, is going well. There are verses of Milton's that I like to pair together and that seem to breathe this spirit:

"They, looking back, all the eastern side beheld
Of Paradise, so late their happy seat,
Waved over by that flaming brand, the gate
With dreadful faces thronged and fiery arms:
Some natural tears they dropped, but wiped them soon;
The world was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide;
They, hand in hand, with wandering steps and slow,
Through Eden took their solitary way."

from Paradise Lost (quoted in Goodreads)

as well as

And now the Sun had stretch'd out all the hills,
And now was dropt into the Western bay;
At last he rose, and twitch'd his Mantle blew:
To morrow to fresh Woods, and Pastures new.

from "Lycidas" (quoted in Bartleby)

I wish — just a little bit, because perhaps there are compensations — that in my life I'll reach the point again where winter does not sink so harshly into my mind just because of the weather.

Germs, Sunshine, and Literary Travel to Russia

On Friday I felt quite 'woozy' at work, and even lay down on the sofa in the lounge. Then I had a sore throat for two days over the weekend, and presumed more or less that this would be the end of it. But the past two days I've had barely any voice. I think part of this is due to little sleep — the last time I had this much trouble feeling sleepy was in around 2012, so I've been spending a great deal of time reading and listening to audiobooks. Which, of course, has certain compensations, i.e. feeling rather smug about how much contemporary non-fiction I'm reading. I've also finished listening to The Hate U Give, a young adult book about life in the suburban southern US, and found it tremendous, and today I began listening to On the Come Up by the same author.

Yesterday afternoon I decided that it would not be kind to risk spreading the germs by exposing my colleagues to them for eight hours. So I attended work only during the first half of the day, and in the early afternoon set off in direct sunlight to go for a walk and take the train home two stations further. I wasn't fragile as a result of the cold, I told myself, although it did take about 20 minutes' walking time for me to begin feeling good with the exercise and the fresh air. There was so much to see: construction workers, the river, brick buildings, concrete buildings, cyclists and joggers, trains and trucks, birds and railway maintenance workers, and trees and old houses half-hidden amongst them.

I feel chipper anyway, even if my voice is horrendous whenever I manage to growl out an intelligible word. A host of co-workers and family have brought me hot drinks and cough candies, expressed boatloads of sympathy, deluged me with friendly advice, avoided (whenever they could) asking me anything that would force me to speak, and altogether been terribly kind. As many people are sick lately, I'm surprised they can spare the energy!

In the train, I've begun reading Die Russland-Expedition, the account of Alexander von Humboldt's travels to Russia in the early 19th century. It includes letters by Humboldt that paint almost everything in cheerful colours, while a person who accompanies him contradicts this sanguinity by painting grim scenes of acres of mud, slushy rivers, ice, collapsed boats, and so on and so forth. They haven't even travelled past modern-day Latvia yet.